Archive for Texting

LOL, For Real

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. JUNGLE – NIGHT

It’s so wet and plant-y out here in this jungle!  My skin would be terrible if I lived here!  There are so many undiscovered species also!

FWOOSH!

THUMP!

A dude just jumped out of one of those new helicopters that have the silent blades.  Those seriously exist now.  The sound of him landing on the damp ground and a rare indigenous frog is the only sound in the dark of the jungle night.

The dude is CASPER, 34, a super badass CIA ghost operative.  That’s why he’s named Casper.  It’s kind of clever and kind of cute.  People sometimes underestimate him.  Those people generally end up raped or dead.  Or both, but that was just one time and it’s exactly why Casper doesn’t drink anymore.

Whatever.  The point is, he’s on a mission.  And if you think anyone involved thinks Casper is going to fail, you are dead wrong.  You’re like “voting for Al Gore” wrong.  (Which is a weird example, but you’ll see what I’m talking about later.)

Casper checks all his weapons: uzi, knife, grenades, sniper rifle.

CASPER
(to himself)
Check, check, check, check, check.

His earpiece SQUAWKS.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
What?

CASPER
Nothing.  I was just checking to make sure I have all my weapons.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Do you?

CASPER
No, I left my butter knife.

The dude on the earpiece laughs.

CASPER
It’s not funny.  Sometimes I use that shit as a screwdriver.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Oh.  My bad.

Awkward beat.  (We might want to cut this awkward beat in editing, but I want to shoot it to see if it builds tension.  I bet it will, but I’m not 100%.  Thanks.)

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
So, are you gonna go assassinate Salazar?

CASPER
Obvi.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
What?

CASPER
Obvi, as in obviously.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Oh.
(then getting it)
OHHHHHH.  Totally never made that connection.

CASPER
Anderson, just leave me alone.  I’ll let you know when I assassinate Salazar.

Apparently the dude on the earpiece is named “Anderson.”  It’s still unclear if it’s his first or last name.  And honestly, it doesn’t even matter.  I just thought I’d bring it up.  You can decide for yourself.  Seriously.  It doesn’t even matter.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Okay.

CASPER
Thanks.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
No problem.

Casper starts to head off into the jungle, but then stops.

CASPER
Anderson?

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Yeah?

CASPER
You’re a solid dude.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Thanks, man.  I wish my girlfriend felt the same way.  Sometimes I think we just don’t connect.  It’s like–

CASPER
Anderson, I seriously don’t have time for this shit.  Let’s do this later.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Okay.

CASPER
Fuck.

Casper walks off.  We crane up super-high and see some huts and shit in the distance.  It’s going to be a long walk for Casper, but he’ll probably listen to his iPod, so don’t be worried about him getting bored.

CUT TO:

EXT. HUT AREA – LATER

Casper sneaks up behind this hut and pulls out his sniper rifle.  He surveys the scene:

It’s like a circle of huts with a fire in the middle.  Dudes are everywhere in paramilitary uniforms and holding AK-47s.  They look relaxed, but get super-serious when this other dude walks out of a hut.  He’s dressed similar, but has a Lakers jersey on over his fatigues for some reason.  It’s #24, but as he turns, we see it doesn’t say “Bryant” (as in Kobe Bryant) on the back.  Instead it says SALAZAR!

HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S THE DUDE CASPER WANTS TO ASSASSINATE!

I KEEP FORGETTING THERE’S 4 S’S IN ASSASSINATE AND HAVE TO GO BACK AND FIX IT EVERY TIME!

Casper remains cool.  A lot cooler than you or I ever would.  He’s only like 10 feet away from Salazar now.  CLOSER THAN ANY AGENT HAS EVER BEEN!

Using a sniper rifle from 10 feet away seems slightly retarded, but clearly you’ve never played a video game.  There’s something awesome about sniping someone from super-close.  And that something is, of course, sniping someone from super-close.

Anyway, just as Casper’s about to pull the trigger and end the drug-trafficking monster slave-trader Salazar’s life, he hears his cell phone vibrate.  He checks the text message.

We don’t see it.

Casper can’t help himself and Laughs Out Loud (LOL) at whatever the text message said.  He starts to text back “LOL,” still laughing to himself and apparently forgetting the situation which he is confronted.

Wrong move.

Big time.

Salazar’s men shoot the shit out of Casper.  Now he’s a real ghost.  Sorry, that was tasteless.  A dude just died.  Show some respect.

But seriously, what did that text message say?  And who actually laughs out loud?

And that’s why the CIA doesn’t allow text messaging anymore.

THE END.

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