INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
It’s a typical suburban living room — EXCEPT FOR THE GIANT ROBOTS SITTING THERE WATCHING TV! JK JK there aren’t any robots. This isn’t that kind of thing. At all. You’re not gonna see robots in this thing. If that’s your thing, then this won’t be your thing. Move along.
Anyway.
This dude Schultzy’s mom ROBERTA folds laundry while watching Oprah’s last episode for the last time (yeah right!). She hums a song she doesn’t know, but we do. It’s the theme music to Card Sharks (best/easiest game show ever). The saddest thing is she’ll never remember what that song is the theme to because she took a real hard fall in the shower the other day.
But that’s all unimportant back story. SHULTZY enters through the front door, a boy, 16, should be living in the city and not the suburbs and he knows it.
SCHULTZY
All I know is I should be living in the city and not the suburbs!
He slams the door. Roberta quits humming and pauses Oprah. She looks at Oprah for a beat, wondering if she’ll ever see her again. Then she looks over at Schultzy, furious that they have to have this stupid conversation again.
ROBERTA
We’re not having this conversation again!
SCHULTZY
Oh I know!
ROBERTA
Then why try to start it up again?
SCHULTZY
I’m not starting it up again. I’m finishing it.
ROBERTA
How so?
SCHULTZY
You don’t know this, but I do know this. You know all that lunch money you’ve been giving me every week all school year and shit?
ROBERTA
Language.
SCHULTZY
Sorry.
ROBERTA
Yes, I know of this lunch money I’ve been giving you.
SCHULTZY
Well, I learned some monk shit–
ROBERTA
Language.
SCHULTZY
Sorry.
ROBERTA
Something about monks. Go on…
SCHULTZY
Right. I learned some monk shi– stuff and now I don’t have to really eat at all so I’ve been able to save my money.
ROBERTA
(seriously does not know where the fuck he’s going with this)
Okay.
SCHULTZY
I’m buying a place in the city.
ROBERTA
What? No way.
SCHULTZY
Yep. I’m in escrow already or whatever.
ROBERTA
You can only have like $800 max. Are you buying a cardboard box in some alley off Broadway?
Roberta chuckles, her friend ROZ walks in the front door, gives her a high five, then exits. Roz is good for that kinda thing. Always got her friend’s back. (Character trait.)
SCHULTZY
No, Mom. Real Estate prices are down in case you didn’t know.
ROBERTA
This is fucking stupid.
SCHULTZY
Language.
ROBERTA
No. Fuck that. You can’t buy a place in the city by saving your lunch money.
SCHULTZY
But it’s a start…
All of the sudden, GREAT-GRANDPA opens his dusty mouth! He’s like 106 and has been sitting in the corner of the room the WHOLE TIME! Not in a chair either. On the floor. In the corner. Like a dog. Or a total weirdo.
GREAT-GRANDPA
Hark! What did I tell you about saving your lunch money, Stephen?
SCHULTZY
NO ONE CALLS ME STEPHEN ANYMORE!
GREAT-GRANDPA
I will cut your tongue from your mouth and shove it up a stray cat’s ass if you ever raise your voice at me again. Comprende, motherfucker?
SCHULTZY
(not so tough as before)
Comprende.
GREAT-GRANDPA
I told you about this. It was foretold to me many moons ago. Saving your lunch money is a road to ruin.
ROBERTA
Pop-Pop, the ways of the Old Country are not the ways of the New Country.
GREAT-GRANDPA
Really?
ROBERTA
Really. Times they are a-changin’.
ROBERTA
We have a black President and a white NBA Finals MVP.
SCHULTZY
Yeah. Wait, whoa.
Everyone soaks this in. It’s like a role reversal for the President and NBA Finals MVP. Pretty heavy stuff.
GREAT-GRANDPA
Alright, you dick-bags. Try explaining that to the GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!
We spy out the window GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!
SCHULTZY
The legends from the Old Country are TRUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!
The giant robots MURDER EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE AND DESTROY THE HOUSE AND MAKE THE LAND UNUSABLE FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR A GIANT STATUE OF DEAD PEOPLE AND A PLAQUE THAT READS: “Don’t save your lunch money to buy shit. Use it to eat. Love, the Robots from the Old Country.”
Note: This is a good story to tell your kids if they are saving their lunch money and not eating lunch.
Also, read this to them if they can’t sleep. Hopefully they fall asleep before everyone’s murdered. If not, then try this ALTERNATE ENDING:
GREAT-GRANDPA
Alright, you dick-bags. Try explaining that to the GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!
We spy out the window GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!
SCHULTZY
The legends from the Old Country are TRUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!
The robots sign autographs for the whole neighborhood and talk shit about Transformers 3. Also the robots make it so everyone lives forever and their carbon footprint is zero!
Note: For the record I fucking hate this alternate ending. It’s stupid and makes no sense. It’s just for babies who can’t take reality/the truth.
THE END.
