This screenplay answers the following hotly-debated question: What if one man, Jared from Subway, opened a sandwich/jewelry superstore called JARED’S?
INT. JARED’S – DAY
This is a superstore, nay megastore. (Actually, I don’t know which is bigger. I assume megastore is bigger, but I can’t find any reliable sources to back it up.)
Anyway, people are enjoying not only delicious sandwiches created by dedicated sandwich artists, but also shopping for some of the most luxurious, swoon-inducing jewelry that has ever been jeweled by jewelers.
The camera floats through the super/megastore in a way that makes you feel like you’re in a dream. An awesome, awesome dream. The awesomest dream. A dream where every race is represented and every customer has a coupon. A song is playing that will be written by someone who is very popular and possibly not even born yet. (Read: this movie may take a long time to get made.)
The camera lands on a guy we all know. Not personally, but we know him like we know James Garner or Jennifer Garner because they are saturated in our media — this guy is JARED. Yes, Jared from Subway. The fat guy I went to college with who is now a skinny guy who does terrible commercials and makes money at it.
He sits on a throne made of diamond (and other various jewels) encrusted submarine sandwiches. It’s breathtaking/ghastly.
These couple dudes who are really short and scrawny and kind of look like bats, but are just weird-looking dudes turn around.
Yes, Master Jared, High Ruler of all things bejeweled and besandwiched?
Fuck. I forget.
Was it a new combination of lunch meat?
Was it an engagement ring sale to beat all other engagement ring sales?
Was it a new design for a ham and turkey brooch just in time for the holiday season?
Yeah, no. You guys yelling things at me will definitely help me remember.
Sorry, King Jared, ruler of baguettes and baguettes.
Great joke referencing a type of bread commonly used for sandwiches AND a cut of diamond. I don’t like to throw around the word genius, but pretty genius.
Well, I like it better when you keep your bat faces shut.
Even he thinks they kinda look like bats! Whoa!
Just then, someone enters Jared’s. And it’s not someone looking for a delicious sandwich or a breathtaking anklet. It’s the…
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
And even though this thing is probably set in 2025, Barack Obama is still President. I think it’s because of loopholes or the Tea Party or something. Not real sure.
He walks right up to Jared. Neither man will speak first. Finally Obama breaks because, well, I don’t want to give it away.
Jared. I have a favor to ask you.
Obama, WTF? At least buy something first.
INT. JARED’S – LATER
Obama stands before Jared. He eats a footlong BMT on 9-grain honey oat with Swiss, spinach, jalapenos and spicy mustard. If you look close, you can see a small bag of baked Lays and a 20 oz. Sprite tucked in his suit coat pocket (right).
That’s better. Now what is it, Obama.
I was just wondering…
Yes, you can have 20% off charm bracelets. How many of those things do you need anyway?
It’s not that. I mean, sure, I could always use more charm bracelets, but this is bigger. Kind of.
Just say it already.
We were thinking about trying to reform health care again. I wanted to get your blessing since you run the biggest corporation in America, nay the world. Nay the planet!
Jared mulls (thinks) this over.
Obama is crushed. He stares at the floor through the next speech, fighting back tears. The tears… of America.
Okay. Okay. I understand. Great sandwich. Great sandwich. It’s really tops.
Holy crap! Obama had to ask Jared if he could reform health care! Jared is so powerful! (This is why Obama had to speak first. Jared > Obama in 2025. Write it down.)
Minions! Prepare my mayonnaise bath.
(superserious to camera)
Tonight I gain back all the weight I lost!
And he did.