Archive for Obama

JARED’S

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by huntercovington

This screenplay answers the following hotly-debated question: What if one man, Jared from Subway, opened a sandwich/jewelry superstore called JARED’S?

INT. JARED’S – DAY

This is a superstore, nay megastore.  (Actually, I don’t know which is bigger.  I assume megastore is bigger, but I can’t find any reliable sources to back it up.)

Anyway, people are enjoying not only delicious sandwiches created by dedicated sandwich artists, but also shopping for some of the most luxurious, swoon-inducing jewelry that has ever been jeweled by jewelers.

The camera floats through the super/megastore in a way that makes you feel like you’re in a dream.  An awesome, awesome dream.  The awesomest dream.  A dream where every race is represented and every customer has a coupon.  A song is playing that will be written by someone who is very popular and possibly not even born yet.  (Read: this movie may take a long time to get made.)

The camera lands on a guy we all know.  Not personally, but we know him like we know James Garner or Jennifer Garner because they are saturated in our media — this guy is JARED.  Yes, Jared from Subway.  The fat guy I went to college with who is now a skinny guy who does terrible commercials and makes money at it.

He sits on a throne made of diamond (and other various jewels) encrusted submarine sandwiches.  It’s breathtaking/ghastly.

He speaks:

JARED
Minions.

These couple dudes who are really short and scrawny and kind of look like bats, but are just weird-looking dudes turn around.

MINION #1
Yes, Master Jared, High Ruler of all things bejeweled and besandwiched?

JARED
Fuck.  I forget.

MINION #2
Was it a new combination of lunch meat?

MINION #3
Was it an engagement ring sale to beat all other engagement ring sales?

MINION #4
Was it a new design for a ham and turkey brooch just in time for the holiday season?

JARED
Yeah, no.  You guys yelling things at me will definitely help me remember.

MINION #1
Sorry, King Jared, ruler of baguettes and baguettes.

Great joke referencing a type of bread commonly used for sandwiches AND a cut of diamond.  I don’t like to throw around the word genius, but pretty genius.

JARED
Well, I like it better when you keep your bat faces shut.

Even he thinks they kinda look like bats!  Whoa!

Just then, someone enters Jared’s.  And it’s not someone looking for a delicious sandwich or a breathtaking anklet.  It’s the…

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

And even though this thing is probably set in 2025, Barack Obama is still President.  I think it’s because of loopholes or the Tea Party or something.  Not real sure.

He walks right up to Jared.  Neither man will speak first.  Finally Obama breaks because, well, I don’t want to give it away.

OBAMA
Jared.  I have a favor to ask you.

JARED
Obama, WTF?  At least buy something first.

CUT TO:

INT. JARED’S – LATER

Obama stands before Jared.  He eats a footlong BMT on 9-grain honey oat with Swiss, spinach, jalapenos and spicy mustard.  If you look close, you can see a small bag of baked Lays and a 20 oz. Sprite tucked in his suit coat pocket (right).

JARED
That’s better.  Now what is it, Obama.

OBAMA
I was just wondering…

JARED
Yes, you can have 20% off charm bracelets.  How many of those things do you need anyway?

OBAMA
It’s not that.  I mean, sure, I could always use more charm bracelets, but this is bigger.  Kind of.

JARED
Just say it already.

OBAMA
We were thinking about trying to reform health care again.  I wanted to get your blessing since you run the biggest corporation in America, nay the world.  Nay the planet!

Jared mulls (thinks) this over.

JARED
Nah.

Obama is crushed.  He stares at the floor through the next speech, fighting back tears.  The tears… of America.

OBAMA
Okay.  Okay.  I understand.  Great sandwich.  Great sandwich.  It’s really tops.

Obama leaves.

Holy crap!  Obama had to ask Jared if he could reform health care!  Jared is so powerful!  (This is why Obama had to speak first.  Jared > Obama in 2025.  Write it down.)

JARED
Minions!  Prepare my mayonnaise bath.
(superserious to camera)
Tonight I gain back all the weight I lost!

And he did.

THE END.

The Painting Gorilla

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. ZOO – DAY

There’s a lot of commotion and clamoring outside the gorilla exhibit at the zoo.  People are buzzing about something this REPORTER is going to tell us about:

REPORTER
Thanks, Sally.  People are buzzing about the ground-breaking news I’m about to share with you.  A gorilla, at the zoo, is a painter.  Yes, that’s right, a fucking gorilla.  I shit you not.

The Reporter probably doesn’t really talk like this, but I thought it’d be funny.  Anyway.

REPORTER
And this isn’t like an elephant painting or a horse or a chimpanzee.  This gorilla is actually good.  I’m talking Grandma Moses good.  Or Monet good.  But not Manet, that dude was a hack.

Great art history joke.

REPORTER
Anyway, let’s take a look at this dude do his thing…

We angle on the gorilla enclosure.  One gorilla paints.  He’s happy as fuck.  The other gorilla is sad.  Mainly because he can’t paint, but also because he has to take a dump and all these people are here.  He’s too nervous to go.  So he waits.

The painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head.  Pay attention to that last part: the painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head.  That shit’s gonna come into play later.

The painting gorilla just paints and then reveals his masterpiece.  (Note: we should get a person to do the actual painting because I just made up this painting gorilla shit and actually finding one will probably be impossible.  But I guess casting should give it a shot.  It would be cool if it was a real painting gorilla.)

Anyway, the painting is awesome.  Better than anything you could do, trust me.

CUT TO:

EXT. FAKE FORESTY AREA AT ZOO – LATER

Suddenly we cut to an interview set-up thing with the reporter, the painting gorilla and the TRAINER (A super hot chick.  Think of a super hot chick.  Any hot chick.  That’s who this is.)

REPORTER
So this is some pretty impressive shit.

TRAINER
Yes, it is.  Popono loves painting.

Apparently the painting gorilla is named POPONO.

REPORTER
We hear he does American Sign Language.

TRAINER
Yes, he does.  You can totally ask him anything you want.

REPORTER
Popono, we hear your paintings are selling for a lot of money and people with a lot of money are buying your paintings.  What are you going to do with the money?

POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
Well, I don’t have any real dreams but to just paint.  My cage-mate Fofofo wants to buy a boat and sail around the world, but he’s talentless.  So I will steal his dream.

REPORTER
That’s a great story, Popono.

What?  That’s a terrible story.  Whatever.

Music swells because we’re doing a montage.

REPORTER (VO)
And paint Popono did…

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Justin Timberlake gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Glenn Close gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!!!

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Lil Wayne gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Obama gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–A bank robber gives Popono cash for the painting.  Everyone laughs and the cops arrest him.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!  He can’t get enough Popono paintings!

EXT. ZOO – DAY

The media is there and they are having a field day or whatever they have when they are excited about something.  It’s so serious that journalists are coming back from the dead to cover this.  Not really.  That’s not right for this movie tonally.

REPORTER
Popono has raised enough money to buy not only his freedom, but also a yacht to sail around the world.

Popono smiles, then hands a giant check to the zookeeper.  No one really understands this part.

POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
I’m totally ready to live out my cage-mate’s dream of sailing around the world!

Fuck.  No way did he just dis his cage-mate like that.  Well, he did.

Fofofo just fumes like, “You gotta be kidding me with this shit.”

But no one is joking about any of this.  Especially Tom Cruise, who is going nuts about the paintings still!  He has pictures of them in his wallet like they’re his kids!  Maybe the weirdest thing he’s ever done.

CUT TO:

EXT. OCEAN – DAY

People wave as Popono sails away on his yacht.

REPORTER
And thus ends an empowering tale of a gorilla that’s probably more talented than anyone alive right now.

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – DAY

We’re at the gorilla enclosure and Fofofo looks downtrodden.  The Trainer tries to console him, but she’s for shit at comforting gorillas.

TRAINER
It’s okay, Fofofo.  You just weren’t born with any talent.  Kinda like me.  You know my sister plays in the WNBA?  Yep.  She got all the talent.  And all the women.

There’s a long beat where Fofofo just wants her to leave.  Their situations aren’t alike at all.

TRAINER
Welp, I’m out of here.  Peace.

She gets up and leaves.  Fofofo is like, “About time.”

He them looks over in a mirror and notices a lighter splotch on the top of his head.

He quickly pulls out a marker and colors it black.

You know why?

Because it’s ACTUALLY POPONO!

THE GORILLAS TRICKED EVERYONE AND POPONO, WHO JUST WANTED TO STOP PAINTING PRETENDED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET, BUT IT WAS REALLY FOFOFO, WHO JUST WANTED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET!

THEY’RE BOTH LIVING THEIR DREAMS!

NOBODY SAW THAT COMING!

That took a lot longer to write than I thought it would.

THE END.

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