(I guess technically this could be an EXT., but you’re kind of “inside” the carport.  Man, I don’t know.  But you guys know what a carport is, right?  Cool, cool.  Let’s just figure this out later.)

It’s mid-to-late December and kind of cold as fuck, but not snowing because we’re actually in the desert.  (We should actually shoot this in the desert for real for authenticity.)  This carport is connected to a trailer, like a trailer house not a trailer car carrier or horse trailer or something.  (Which I guess brings up the point that this could all be EXT.  TRAILER – NIGHT obvi.)

Anyway, shit, none of that really matters.  It’s just like setting everything up and giving you the tone and everything.  So it’s night outside this trailer with a carport and we’re in the desert and it’s cold but no snow.  There.

Then all of the sudden…

BOOM!

SNOW EVERYWHERE.

Like blanketing shit.

Covering every.  Thing.

Insane.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAILER – CONTINUOUS

KID
Whoooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa!

This kid is watching out the window.  And he wasn’t expecting some sonic snow boom like that!  For real.  He was like “Oh maybe some cars will drive by or something.

But no.

He just saw as fucking holiday miracle of snow blanketing.

I cannot express enough how sweet this looked.  You’ve never seen anything like it.  Hell, I haven’t.  No one has.

Well, except this kid.  We’ll call him CHESTER ARTHUR.  He’s like 6 or something around there.  His parents subconsciously named him after our 21st President.

His mind/brain is still trying to process the beauty of this.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I don’t even get it.

Or he could say:

CHESTER ARTHUR
My brain just melted out both ears!

Either way.

He stumbles outside into the winter wonderland that wasn’t there like 20 seconds ago.

NOTE: His parents aren’t home because it’s the holidays and they run a meth lab down the road.  Needless to say, meth is in high demand during the holidays so they’re pulling double shifts and stuff.  Hard workers.  So Chester Arthur is home alone, but he has a robot dog to protect him.  Just kidding.  He has a shotgun and a for real samurai sword.

CUT TO:

EXT. TRAILER – CONTINUOUS

Chester Arthur steps out into this motherfucking beauty.  The most spectacular air he’s ever breathed fills his lungs like it’s fucking candy coated oxygen.

It feels like a dream, but also more authentic than anything he’s ever felt so he knows it’s not a dream.  (But still might be.  Just kidding again.  That was a fake out.  Sorry.)

CHESTER ARTHUR
Well, this Christmas Eve was super sucky because my parents had to go to work and they said I wasn’t getting any toys, but this snow rocks!

He’s for sure lying to himself.  He has to stop trying to kid people.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Who am I kidding?  I’m miserable and this snow is melting through my socks.

And it’s freezing.

His mind wonders for a beat.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Why does it cold in the desert?  What they teach you about deserts in school is bullshit.

VOICE
Hey!

Whoa!  A voice rings out.

Chester Arthur turns and looks.  It’s a dude in a car.

DUDE IN A CAR
I don’t want to hear that language from you, young man.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Who are you?  And before you answer, please consider telling the truth because I have a shotgun and a sword forged by the hand of Hatori Hanzo.

He was obviously bluffing about the Hatori Hanzo sword.  He’d just seen Kill Bill a bunch even though it’s not age-appropriate.

DUDE IN A CAR
Easy there, kid.  I’m just wanting you to not curse.  And also point me to the nearest gas station.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Cool.  Why don’t I just ride with you there?

The dude is like WHAT?  NO.  Because of how it would look if he took the kid.  Chester Arthur reads this on his face.

CHESTER ARTHUR
It’s cool.  I don’t have shit– sorry, crap to do.  And I’ll take my shotgun and sword in case you try to pull any bullshit– sorry bullcrap on me.  I’ve already killed 3 pedophiles this year.  What do I care about a forth?

I think this thing is actually true, but no one wants to press charges against him, so it’s kind of muddy.  Anyway, we’ll just assume it’s true.

DUDE IN A CAR
Alright, I guess.

CUT TO:

EXT. GAS STATION – LATER

Dude pumps his gas as Chester Arthur checks that his shotgun is in working order.

It’s kind of surreal but not like Salvador Dali surreal.  Just kind of weird I guess.

Dude finishes putting the gas in the car’s gas tank, then walks up and knocks on Chester Arthur’s window.

Chester Arthur rolls it down, but just enough to put the shotgun out.

DUDE IN A CAR
Easy.  I just wanted to know if you wanted anything in the store.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Sure.

DUDE IN A CAR
Please leave the weapons in the car.  You look like an asshole.

True.  He does.

So he leaves them and gets out.

CUT TO:

INT. GAS STATION – MOMENTS LATER

Dude and Chester Arthur are in there and stuff.  Chester Arthur is looking at toys, but the dude is like:

DUDE IN A CAR
Whoa.  I thought maybe like a candy bar or a soda.  Not like a toy.

CHESTER ARTHUR
But…

DUDE IN A CAR
But what?

CHESTER ARTHUR
Nothing.

DUDE IN A CAR
No, what?

CHESTER ARTHUR
Nothing.

DUDE IN A CAR
Tell me.

CHESTER ARTHUR
No.

DUDE IN A CAR
Come on.

CHESTER ARTHUR
No way.

DUDE IN A CAR
Kid…

CHESTER ARTHUR
It’s embarrassing.

DUDE IN A CAR
Embarrassing?  You’re talking to a dude who once slammed his nutsack in the shower door.
(off Chester Arthur’s look)
It’s complicated.  Just tell me.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Fine.  My parents aren’t getting me anything for Christmas.

DUDE IN A CAR
Why are you Jewish?

CHESTER ARTHUR
No!  Because they’re fucking meth dealers and assholes!

DUDE IN A CAR
Easy.  They’re still your parents.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I know!  That’s how I know they’re fucking meth dealers and assholes!

DUDE IN A CAR
Good point.

The dude takes this in.  It’s pretty fucking heavy.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I guess I’ll just take a Snickers and Coke.

He’s down as fuck.

DUDE IN A CAR
Tell you what, kid.  You can have whatever you want.  On me.  I’ll be your Santa Claus.

CHESTER ARTHUR
I’ll get the shotgun and blow your guts through your back if you so much as–

DUDE IN A CAR
No, I mean I’ll buy you stuff like they’re presents from Santa Claus.

CHESTER ARTHUR
Oh, cool!

Chester Arthur runs around grabbing things he loves.

It’s beautiful.

Then the CASHIER walks up to the dude.

CASHIER
Hey, you’re not going to fuck that kid, are you?

DUDE IN A CAR
No.

CASHIER
Cool.  We’ve had some problems with that around here.  Specifically with that kid.  He’s really cute.

The cashier touches his wiener through his jeans and moans like a complete creepshow.

The dude does not even fucking hesitate and kills the cashier for being such a sick fuck pedophile.

This is getting a lot heavier than I thought it would get.

Anyway.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAILER – LATER

Chester Arthur is frollicking like a motherfucker with all the shit the dude bought him from the gas station.  (The dude paid for it even though he killed the cashier because he’s a gentleman.)

CHESTER ARTHUR
Woo-hoooooo!  Best Christmas ever!

We see the dude watching him through the window.  A single tear forms in his eye and he wipes it away and tastes it.  Yep.  It’s a tear of joy.  It tastes good.

EXT. TRAILER – CONTINUOUS

As the dude turns to walk away, we see light glint off his necklace, which is a… STAR OF DAVID BECAUSE HE’S JEWISH!

Mind blow.

EVEN THOUGH THE DUDE IS JEWISH HE STILL NEW THIS FUCKING KID NEEDED CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE ALL KIDS NEED CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE THEY’RE USUALLY TOYS AND KIDS LOVE TOYS.

He gets in his car and drives away, knowing this kid is super happy and totally getting it even though he never celebrated Christmas as a kid.

In the background, a meth lab blows up, mushroom-clouding in the sky.  It’s glorious.

Chester Arthur runs to the window and sees it.

He takes it in.

He knows his parents were in there.

But they were assholes.

He doesn’t cry.

He just says:

CHESTER ARTHUR
NOW it’s the best Christmas ever!

Note: there are several good examples of Christmas Miracles in this.  Pretty cool.

THE END.

Note: Isn’t it funny how forest is spelled forest, but the name Forrest is spelled Forrest?  So weird, right?  I guess it helps us distinguish between the two though, so that’s nice.

We’re in a forest.  It’s not really totally night yet.  It’s kinda twilight, but not Twilight.  (See?  Another neat spelling thing there.  When I capitalized Twilight, you knew what I was talking about.)  Anyways, it’s getting dark, but it’s still a pretty nice night without a lot of cloud cover so you can see mad stars (a lot of stars).  Also this forest is deciduous, but it doesn’t really matter.  There are some pine trees as well, but not a ton.  Just picture a forest at night, okay?

So we’re in this forest at night.  And there’s this Cub Scout Pack of some boys and their adult leader dude, the CUB MASTER.  He’s one of these dudes who has a real lame life, like as an accountant or something, and he uses the Cub Scouts to prove to kids he’s like the James Bond of woodsmen or whatever.  His name is probably Tom or something corny like that.  Jim.

They walk on a trail with like flashlights or lanterns or something (but not torches).

CUB MASTER
Boys, this is a first for us.  We’re the first ones to do this too.  It’s pretty great.  That lame-ass David would’ve never took you to do this.

CUB SCOUT #1
David died saving us from a forest fire last year, so…

CUB MASTER
So what?  He was a pussy.

CUB SCOUT #2
Um, he put out 60 acres by himself before he died.

CUB MASTER
First of all, they were hectares and if he was such a badass, then why is he dead.

CUB SCOUT #3 starts crying.

CUB SCOUT #1
David was Kyle’s father.

Long beat because a lot of people there forgot that shit.  Awkward Level 1,000,000,000.

CUB MASTER
Okay.  So what I meant to say is David would’ve wanted us to do this.

CUB SCOUT #3
Really?

CUB MASTER
Yeah.  Totally not a pussy.  Totally didn’t die in a forest fire like a lame.

CUB SCOUT #3
I’m going to cry again.

CUB MASTER
Well, don’t.  Because again, I was joking.

CUB SCOUT #1
You’re kind of a dick.

CUB MASTER
What did you just say?

CUB SCOUT #1
I said–

CUB SCOUT #2
Wait.  Cub Master, tell us why we’re going to spend the night in a cave?

CUT TO:

INT. CAVE – MOMENTS LATER
The Cub Master and the boys are in the cave now (time jump like in movies).

CUB SCOUT #2
Because this shit is fucking terrifying.

It is terrifying.  It’s a fucking cave.  In the middle of a remote forest.  And now it’s raining!

CUB SCOUT #1
And now it’s raining!

CUB MASTER
Guys!  Let’s not be pussies like David.

CUB SCOUT #3
What?

CUB MASTER
JK JK.
(to other boys)
Man, is this kid sensitive about his dead dad being a pussy and me being a way better Cub Master, or what?

The kids just stand there like WTF?  Can you believe this guy?  Etc.

CUB MASTER
Listen.  We’re in a den.  A real live bear den.  Because we’re Cub Scouts.  And cubs are baby bears.  And I’m the Cub Master, which means… the master baby bear.

The kids just stare at him like this is stupid and also dumb.

CUB MASTER
Look, it’s gonna be cool.  Like primal.  Getting in touch with our primal side.  Man stuff.  Awesome stuff.  I promise.  Everyone just get your sleeping bags out and shit.

The kids start doing that shit.  Cub Scout #3 is still bothered about earlier and tugs on the Cub Master’s shirt tail.

CUB SCOUT #3
Was my dad really a pussy?

CUB MASTER
Look, kid–

WHOA!

Just then a fucking bear rips the Cub Master’s head clean the fuck off and tears the shit out of him!

DUDE!

IT’S NUTS.

The kids look in horror and see 2 GIANT BEARS AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE CAVE!  (It’s still raining.)

BEAR #1
Rooooooooooaaaaarrrrr!

CUB SCOUTS
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

Then everyone freezes.  Then:

BEAR #2
(through it’s blood-soaked mouth)
Raaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwrrrrrr!

CUB SCOUTS
Aaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!

Then it’s so fucking on as the 2 bears rip apart all the Cub Scouts in short order.  One of the Cub Scouts tries to use waterproof matches, but they won’t light.  Shit.  Another tries to pull out a blade on his pocket knife.  It’s slow and rusty.

They die.

The 2 bears look over the carnage.

BEAR #1
Man, I hate when they think they’re actual bears and want to use an actual bear den/cave.

BEAR #2
Hahahaha.  Idiot humans.

The 2 bears share a hearty laugh.

BEAR #1
Man, this suit is so fucking hot.

BEAR #2
What?

BEAR #1
I’m sweating my balls off in here.  I’ve been wearing it for like 3 hours, tracking these fools.

Bear #1 takes off the head of his costume to reveal a fucking HUMAN BEING MAN.

BEAR #1
My name’s Tom.  You must be Johnny.

He extends his hand.

BEAR #2
Whoa, whoa, whoa.  What?  What’s happening?

BEAR #1
I’m Tom.

BEAR #2
Holy shit.  I think there’s been some misunderstanding.

BEAR #1
Wait.  I thought you were Johnny.  The guy who answered my Craigslist ad about dressing up in bear suits and hunting down Cub Scouts.  Ring a bell?
(off Bear #2′s blank stare)
No?  Nothing?

BEAR #2
No, man.  I’m a talking bear.  I don’t… I don’t understand.  Why would you do this?  You think this is some kind of joke?

BEAR #1
Come on, Johnny.  Tell me you’re Johnny.  I’m starting to freak out, man.  Just take off your head, man.

Bear #1 tries to take off Bear #2′s “head.”

Bear #2 freaks the fuck out (because he’s really just a talking bear) and tears Bear #1 (Tom) apart.  It’s gruesome.

BEAR #2
What the hell’s this world coming to?

Just then a third bear, Bear #3, shows up at the entrance of the cave.

BEAR #3
Hey, what’s up?  You must be Tom.  Damn, this costume is sweatier than a whore’s cotton panty panel.

BEAR #2
You must be Johnny.

We ZOOM IN on Bear #2′s snarly, fangy smile.

But before we see what happens, we just cut to black because it’s more mysterious to not know exactly what happened.  (He ripped Johnny apart, guesomely.)

THE END.

It’s a typical suburban living room — EXCEPT FOR THE GIANT ROBOTS SITTING THERE WATCHING TV!  JK JK there aren’t any robots.  This isn’t that kind of thing.  At all.  You’re not gonna see robots in this thing.  If that’s your thing, then this won’t be your thing.  Move along.

Anyway.

This dude Schultzy’s mom ROBERTA folds laundry while watching Oprah’s last episode for the last time (yeah right!).  She hums a song she doesn’t know, but we do.  It’s the theme music to Card Sharks (best/easiest game show ever).  The saddest thing is she’ll never remember what that song is the theme to because she took a real hard fall in the shower the other day.

But that’s all unimportant back story.  SHULTZY enters through the front door, a boy, 16, should be living in the city and not the suburbs and he knows it.

SCHULTZY
All I know is I should be living in the city and not the suburbs!

He slams the door.  Roberta quits humming and pauses Oprah.  She looks at Oprah for a beat, wondering if she’ll ever see her again.  Then she looks over at Schultzy, furious that they have to have this stupid conversation again.

ROBERTA
We’re not having this conversation again!

SCHULTZY
Oh I know!

ROBERTA
Then why try to start it up again?

SCHULTZY
I’m not starting it up again.  I’m finishing it.

ROBERTA
How so?

SCHULTZY
You don’t know this, but I do know this.  You know all that lunch money you’ve been giving me every week all school year and shit?

ROBERTA
Language.

SCHULTZY
Sorry.

ROBERTA
Yes, I know of this lunch money I’ve been giving you.

SCHULTZY
Well, I learned some monk shit–

ROBERTA
Language.

SCHULTZY
Sorry.

ROBERTA
Something about monks.  Go on…

SCHULTZY
Right.  I learned some monk shi– stuff and now I don’t have to really eat at all so I’ve been able to save my money.

ROBERTA
(seriously does not know where the fuck he’s going with this)
Okay.

SCHULTZY
I’m buying a place in the city.

ROBERTA
What?  No way.

SCHULTZY
Yep.  I’m in escrow already or whatever.

ROBERTA
You can only have like $800 max.  Are you buying a cardboard box in some alley off Broadway?

Roberta chuckles, her friend ROZ walks in the front door, gives her a high five, then exits.  Roz is good for that kinda thing.  Always got her friend’s back.  (Character trait.)

SCHULTZY
No, Mom.  Real Estate prices are down in case you didn’t know.

ROBERTA
This is fucking stupid.

SCHULTZY
Language.

ROBERTA
No.  Fuck that.  You can’t buy a place in the city by saving your lunch money.

SCHULTZY
But it’s a start…

All of the sudden, GREAT-GRANDPA opens his dusty mouth!  He’s like 106 and has been sitting in the corner of the room the WHOLE TIME!  Not in a chair either.  On the floor.  In the corner.  Like a dog.  Or a total weirdo.

GREAT-GRANDPA
Hark!  What did I tell you about saving your lunch money, Stephen?

SCHULTZY
NO ONE CALLS ME STEPHEN ANYMORE!

GREAT-GRANDPA
I will cut your tongue from your mouth and shove it up a stray cat’s ass if you ever raise your voice at me again.  Comprende, motherfucker?

SCHULTZY
(not so tough as before)
Comprende.

GREAT-GRANDPA
I told you about this.  It was foretold to me many moons ago.  Saving your lunch money is a road to ruin.

ROBERTA
Pop-Pop, the ways of the Old Country are not the ways of the New Country.

GREAT-GRANDPA
Really?

ROBERTA
Really.  Times they are a-changin’.

ROBERTA
We have a black President and a white NBA Finals MVP.

SCHULTZY
Yeah.  Wait, whoa.

Everyone soaks this in.  It’s like a role reversal for the President and NBA Finals MVP.  Pretty heavy stuff.

GREAT-GRANDPA
Alright, you dick-bags.  Try explaining that to the GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!

We spy out the window GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!

SCHULTZY
The legends from the Old Country are TRUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!

The giant robots MURDER EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE AND DESTROY THE HOUSE AND MAKE THE LAND UNUSABLE FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR A GIANT STATUE OF DEAD PEOPLE AND A PLAQUE THAT READS: “Don’t save your lunch money to buy shit.  Use it to eat.  Love, the Robots from the Old Country.”

Note: This is a good story to tell your kids if they are saving their lunch money and not eating lunch.  

Also, read this to them if they can’t sleep.  Hopefully they fall asleep before everyone’s murdered.  If not, then try this ALTERNATE ENDING:

GREAT-GRANDPA
Alright, you dick-bags.  Try explaining that to the GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!

We spy out the window GIANT ROBOTS ON THE FRONT LAWN!

SCHULTZY
The legends from the Old Country are TRUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!

The robots sign autographs for the whole neighborhood and talk shit about Transformers 3.  Also the robots make it so everyone lives forever and their carbon footprint is zero!

Note: For the record I fucking hate this alternate ending.  It’s stupid and makes no sense.  It’s just for babies who can’t take reality/the truth.

THE END.

Establishing shot of space.  Mostly black, but with some stars.  They all look white even though we know they can be yellow, red or blue or some other color.  Maybe even a color our eyes can’t even process (Whoa!).

We zoom super fast to a space station, which is basically a station in space that people live, work and breed in.  It’s like a planet but made by man (manmade).

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE STATION – CONTINUOUS

We’re inside the space station.  There’s this bald dude, BRYAN CRANSTON, and he’s talking to this guy who looks like a TWEAKER.  Bryan is bald because he has some kind of cancer and got space radiation cancer treatment that made all of his hair fall out.  Or maybe he cut it in anticipation of the radiation treatment.  I can’t remember.  Anyway.

TWEAKER
Sucks about your hair.

BRYAN CRANSTON
What the fuck would you know about hair?

Note: the tweaker has really long hair, so it’s weird that Bryan would say some shit like that.

TWEAKER
Fine.  Whatever, man.  I didn’t know teachers would curse so much.

BRYAN CRANSTON
I’m a space teacher.  What the fuck would you know about space teachers?

Note: this tweaker went to school in space, so he actually does know a lot about space teachers.

TWEAKER
Whatever, man.  Fine.  Give me some meth.

BRYAN CRANSTON
Hey.  Don’t be so fucking casual about this!  I don’t sell meth just to make space credits and be space rich!

TWEAKER
(obligatory)
Then why do you do it?

BRYAN CRANSTON
Because!

Bryan almost start to cry (emoting hard).  He struggles to hold it together.  He’s almost breaking down.  Breaking bad (I guess this is where the title comes from).  Then:

BRYAN CRANSTON
I do it… I do it because… I do it because my my wife is pregnant and my son is disabled and I’m about to die and I don’t want to leave them penniless.

TWEAKER
Oh.

BRYAN CRANSTON
And I really like making/selling meth.  That’ll be 1,000 space credits.

The tweaker smiles and hands Bryan a thousand space bucks like it’s a fucking Mentos commercial.

THE END.

So there are a bunch of dogs in the backyard of this house.  Like 6 or so.  (If we can’t get 6, it’s okay.  If we can get more than 6 that would be awesome.)  They’re all looking at this one dog who is talking to them.  Yeah, this is one of those deals.  The talking dog is like a Golden Retriever.  (Don’t even bother coming to set, dog people, if you can’t get a Golden.  For real.)  And being a GR means he commands and demands respect from the other dongs.  I mean dogs.  He talks:

GOLDEN RETRIEVER
…So in conclusion, I just don’t think our never-ending war with the felines is really worth it.  Mostly for the points I’ve already made, but also because it’s just gotten really boring and tedious and let’s face it: shit hasn’t changed in like forever.  We’ll never win because they have millions of babies and we can’t stop them.

The dogs are like: “This really makes a lot of sense” and “I always thought this GR was a dickhead, but now I get where he’s coming from.”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER
So we’re all cool with stopping this war?

All the dogs say “yay” because they vote in a yay or nay fashion.  (This should be obvious to anyone who has been around dogs ever.)

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER

We see GR walking down the alley.  (We are right to assume he’s just left the Dog Council.  Oh you didn’t know it was called the Dog Council?  It was/is.)

Anyway, as he walks, he unzips his dogskin and out from the dogsuit steps a PERSIAN CAT!  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???!!!

CUT TO:

INT. OLD LADY’S BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

The Persian Cat (PC) addresses the Cat Council (just a bunch of fucking cats).

PERSIAN CAT
…So in conclusion, the dogs are going to leave us alone now.  So I think we should just end our never-ending war with the mice while we’re at it.  Kind of pay it forward.  Besides, we’ll never win because they have millions of babies and we can’t stop them.

The cats are like: “This really makes a lot of sense” and “I always thought this PC was a dickhead, but now I get where he’s coming from.”

PERSIAN CAT
So we’re all cool with stopping this war?

All the cats say “meow” because they vote in a meow or hiss fashion.  (This should be obvious to anyone who has been around cats ever.)

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER

We see PC walking down the alley.  As he walks, he unzips his catskin and out from the catsuit steps a WHITE MOUSE!  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. DUMP – MOMENTS LATER

The White Mouse (WM) addresses the Mouse Council (a sea of mice).

WHITE MOUSE
…So I totes infiltrated the dogs when I dressed up like a cat that dressed up like a dog and infiltrated the cats by just dressing up like a cat.  But enough about me.  The point is I tricked the dogs into calling off their war with the cats and the cats into calling off their war on us.  The plan totally worked even though some of you said it wouldn’t.

All the mice look at this one Gray Mouse (GM).

GRAY MOUSE
What?  You have to admit it sounds fucking crazy.  It’s a crazy plan.

They all keep staring at him.

GRAY MOUSE
Fuck you guys.

The GM leaves.

WHITE MOUSE
So I guess we should party.  Those in favor?

The mice all pop tiny champagne bottles because that’s how they vote “yay.”  It’s unknown how they vote “nay” because the GM is the only one who ever has and now he’s ostracized.

It’s a crazy mouse party and they live it up, not having to worry about the cats coming and fucking up their shit.

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEY – MOMENTS LATER

We see WM walking down the alley.  As he walks, he unzips his mouseskin and out from the mousesuit steps a… no, DRIVES a TINY CAR!  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???!!!

Seriously, what the fuck.

THE END.

This guy is sitting at a table with his laptop open.  He’s acting like he’s surfing the web for some super-interesting shit, but really he’s just looking at Miley Cyrus bikini pics and cashmere cardigans.  What an asshole.

Anyway, this guy is named FUNKADELIC.  Not really.  His name is GERSHWIN.  But it’s his first name so he’s not even related to the famous Gershwin, who I think did music or something.  It’s a pretty big problem because he has to like clarify that shit all the time.

Whatever.  Who cares.  The point is that this guy, Gershwin, is on his cell phone.  And he’s talking a little too loud in the cafe, like for everyone’s benefit.  Like their day is gonna be brightened by hearing this guy’s side of some random conversation.

GERSHWIN
(into phone, too loud, for everyone’s benefit)
…So should my editor give you a call and set up a meeting?

OTHER PERSON
(on the other side of the phone)
No.  You’re cold.  Your career’s in the shitter.  Don’t ever call me again.

GERSHWIN
Oh.

The line goes dead.

Gershwin doesn’t know what to say.  But he thinks quickly.  Real quickly.

GERSHWIN
(still into phone)
Awesome.  Yeah.  I know you’re into the proposal.  And I agree, ghosts are the next big thing to hit teen literature.  Also, yes, I am slightly prophetic.  Cool.  Talk to you later.  No, I’d rather you talk numbers with my editor or agent, but appreciate you trying to buy this thing from me over the phone without even really knowing the full deal.
(waits for a long beat for effect)
Again, awesome.  Look forward to hearing from my editor or agent about when this meeting is set up.  Talk to you later or, rather, see you soon.

Gershwin “hangs up.”  Holy shit.  Did he get away with it?  Did everyone in the fucking cafe believe that he was really on the phone the whole time?

Beat.

Then this woman, CATHY or some shit, who is sitting next to Gershwin decides to chat him up.

CATHY
I couldn’t help but overhear.

GERSHWIN
Oh, I’m so sorry.  How gauche of me.

Fuck that guy for using “gauche.”

CATHY
No, not at all.  Just because you’re in a cafe doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk on your cell.

GERSHWIN
True.

CATHY
Anyway, I gather that you’re an author.

GERSHWIN
True.

CATHY
A successful one at that.

GERSHWIN
Oh go on.

CATHY
I will go on.  I’m looking to make a baby with an author.  Preferably a successful one obviously.

GERSHWIN
I’m interested…

CATHY
One last thing: do you have any history of polydactylism in your family?

GERSHWIN
Only my cats.

Whoa!  That last line was so smooth!

No more words are exchanged and they go on to get married and have 50,0000 babies together.  (I’ll let you decide what the deal is with that comma in 50,0000.  Is it 50,000 with an extra 0?  Or 500,000 with the comma in the wrong spot?  Really it’s neither because I was exaggerating.  They had 3 babies.  Then they all died in a helicopter fishing accident.  2 boys, 1 girl.)

THE END.

EXT. STREET CORNER – DAY

Some kids are hanging out at a street corner.  But not like dealing drugs.  Just kinda hanging out and talking about stuff.  Stuff kids talk about.  The kids are like 10 or 11 and their names are JAMES, KIRK, BILLY and another KIRK.  (I know KIRK isn’t a super-common name, but there’s 2 of them in this story and you just have to deal with it.  I promise to try to make it not confusing.  But you have to promise to try to not be an idiot and actually put in some work too.  Thanks.)

KIRK
I just don’t like SpongeBob anymore.  It’s like I’ve outgrown it or something.

KIRK
I know what you mean.

See?  2 different Kirks, yet distinct voices.

JAMES
I still like it.

KIRK/KIRK
What?

JAMES
Well, I think it’s fallen off a bit, but what show hasn’t?

BILLY
Yeah, that’s a pretty salient point.

These kids are really smart and know words that even we don’t know.

BILLY
The general arc for a TV show is season 1: crappy.  Seasons whatever to whatever: good.  Final season: crappy again.  And usually some crappy seasons before that.

JAMES
Well, unless a show does 3 seasons.  Then it’s just a crap season sandwich.

BILLY
Exactly.

KIRK
Fuck Spongebob.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Whoa!

KIRK
What?  I said it.  Fuck SpongeBob.

JAMES
You shouldn’t use curse words.

BILLY
Yeah.

KIRK
Yeah.

Note: this wasn’t the Kirk who said “fuck.”  It was the other Kirk.

KIRK
Whatever.  What the shit is going to happen to me?

Suddenly (too suddenly?) this GUY walks up to them, having overheard all the cursing by Kirk (but not the other Kirk).  This guy is super-creepy and not the kind of guy who should be talking to kids.

GUY
Hey, kids.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Hey.

KIRK
Whoa, we’re not supposed to talk to strangers.

GUY
Oh don’t worry.  I won’t be a stranger for long.  My name’s Eddie.  There.  Now we’re not strangers.

KIRK
Yeah, I’m not sure that’s how it works.  At all, really.

GUY
Whatever.  I heard you cursing.

KIRK
So fucking what.

GUY
Well, I just wanted to let you know that I kidnap and molest kids who curse.

Holy shit!  Kirk is freaking!  Is this guy going to kidnap and molest him?  His friends look at him like we fucking told you not to curse.

It’s so tense!

No one knows what’s going to happen next!

There’s like a million push-ins on everyone!

Then:

GUY
Just kidding.  But seriously, don’t curse.  It’s not cool.

What?  That’s it?

Kirk wants to call this guy a jackass, but that would be cursing.

GUY
See you kids around.  Because I live in the neighborhood.  And I always know what you kids are doing.  Because I have binoculars.  And what you’re saying.  Because I have this like parabolic microphone like the police use on stakeouts.  So yeah.  I’m a little creepy.
(beat)
Bye.

The guy walks away.

The 4 kids just stand there, thinking.  That was close.

KIRK
Guys, seriously.  Let’s make a pact to never curse again.  That way that dude will never molest us.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Agreed.

So they agreed to never curse again.  But then Billy brought up a pretty good point:

BILLY
Wait, wait, wait.  If that guy wants to molest us, wouldn’t he just do it?  Like he’s gonna wait until we curse?  It just seems crazy.

KIRK
Billy’s right.  Let’s go kill that motherfucker.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Agreed.

And so they went and killed that guy because he was a child molester.

THE END.

INT. JARED’S – DAY

This is a superstore, nay megastore.  (Actually, I don’t know which is bigger.  I assume megastore is bigger, but I can’t find any reliable sources to back it up.)

Anyway, people are enjoying not only delicious sandwiches created by dedicated sandwich artists, but also shopping for some of the most luxurious, swoon-inducing jewelry that has ever been jeweled by jewelers.

The camera floats through the super/megastore in a way that makes you feel like you’re in a dream.  An awesome, awesome dream.  The awesomest dream.  A dream where every race is represented and every customer has a coupon.  A song is playing that will be written by someone who is very popular and possibly not even born yet.  (Read: this movie may take a long time to get made.)

The camera lands on a guy we all know.  Not personally, but we know him like we know James Garner or Jennifer Garner because they are saturated in our media — this guy is JARED.  Yes, Jared from Subway.  The fat guy I went to college with who is now a skinny guy who does terrible commercials and makes money at it.

He sits on a throne made of diamond (and other various jewels) encrusted submarine sandwiches.  It’s breathtaking/ghastly.

He speaks:

JARED
Minions.

These couple dudes who are really short and scrawny and kind of look like bats, but are just weird-looking dudes turn around.

MINION #1
Yes, Master Jared, High Ruler of all things bejeweled and besandwiched?

JARED
Fuck.  I forget.

MINION #2
Was it a new combination of lunch meat?

MINION #3
Was it an engagement ring sale to beat all other engagement ring sales?

MINION #4
Was it a new design for a ham and turkey brooch just in time for the holiday season?

JARED
Yeah, no.  You guys yelling things at me will definitely help me remember.

MINION #1
Sorry, King Jared, ruler of baguettes and baguettes.

Great joke referencing a type of bread commonly used for sandwiches AND a cut of diamond.  I don’t like to throw around the word genius, but pretty genius.

JARED
Well, I like it better when you keep your bat faces shut.

Even he thinks they kinda look like bats!  Whoa!

Just then, someone enters Jared’s.  And it’s not someone looking for a delicious sandwich or a breathtaking anklet.  It’s the…

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

And even though this thing is probably set in 2025, Barack Obama is still President.  I think it’s because of loopholes or the Tea Party or something.  Not real sure.

He walks right up to Jared.  Neither man will speak first.  Finally Obama breaks because, well, I don’t want to give it away.

OBAMA
Jared.  I have a favor to ask you.

JARED
Obama, WTF?  At least buy something first.

CUT TO:

INT. JARED’S – LATER

Obama stands before Jared.  He eats a footlong BMT on 9-grain honey oat with Swiss, spinach, jalapenos and spicy mustard.  If you look close, you can see a small bag of baked Lays and a 20 oz. Sprite tucked in his suit coat pocket (right).

JARED
That’s better.  Now what is it, Obama.

OBAMA
I was just wondering…

JARED
Yes, you can have 20% off charm bracelets.  How many of those things do you need anyway?

OBAMA
It’s not that.  I mean, sure, I could always use more charm bracelets, but this is bigger.  Kind of.

JARED
Just say it already.

OBAMA
We were thinking about trying to reform health care again.  I wanted to get your blessing since you run the biggest corporation in America, nay the world.  Nay the planet!

Jared mulls (thinks) this over.

JARED
Nah.

Obama is crushed.  He stares at the floor through the next speech, fighting back tears.  The tears… of America.

OBAMA
Okay.  Okay.  I understand.  Great sandwich.  Great sandwich.  It’s really tops.

Obama leaves.

Holy crap!  Obama had to ask Jared if he could reform health care!  Jared is so powerful!  (This is why Obama had to speak first.  Jared > Obama in 2025.  Write it down.)

JARED
Minions!  Prepare my mayonnaise bath.
(superserious to camera)
Tonight I gain back all the weight I lost!

And he did.

THE END.

The year is 2568.  Like way in the future.  Flying cars and sex with robots, but not hover boards, which really sucks and makes it almost hurt your heart whenever you see a kid still riding a skateboard with wheels even though it’s 2568 and they had them in Back to the Future 2 and it was only 2015.  It’s a bunch of bullshit if you ask me.

Anyway.  This is Megacity.  It’s this crazy huge city that’s like New York City, Los Angeles and Chicago all stacked on top of each other.  It’s crazy.  It’s not at all like that city planet in the Star Wars prequels because those suck balls and any comparison would make this screenplay not as awesome and we can’t risk that.

Whatever.  A dude and a chick are talking.  Their names are CAL and TULIP.  Just because it’s the future doesn’t mean people don’t have stupid fucking names anymore.  They still do.  Cal and Tulip.  Shoot me.

CAL
…So Megacity is surrounded by a giant wall.

TULIP
Obvi.

CAL
I’m just saying, what’s beyond that wall.

TULIP
Monsters.

CAL
You really believe that?

TULIP
Well, fuck I don’t know.  That’s what the High Council of Elders teaches us.  I believe them.  Mostly because they’re old.  And rich.

CAL
I see all of your points.  However, I remain skeptical.

TULIP
That seems unsurprising to me at this point.

CAL
That I’m skeptical?

TULIP
Yeah.  Did you really have to clarify that?

CAL
I don’t know anymore.  What if they’re lying?  What if there aren’t any monsters?

TULIP
Fuck, Cal.  I don’t know.  Maybe there’s just fields of tacos out there or some shit.

CAL
Be serious, Tulip.  You know we can’t grow tacos in this soil.

It’s true.  They can’t.  Too acidic.

CAL
I just feel like we should go.

TULIP
Like just climb the wall and see what’s beyond?

CAL
Exactly.

TULIP
And then we get eaten by monsters.  We should wear shirts that say “Monster Food.”

CAL
I don’t think monsters can read, Tulip.

TULIP
So you believe in the monsters.

CAL
I don’t know what I believe.

TULIP
Well, all I know is that it’s 2568 and partly cloudy.

CAL
I don’t know how you can be glib right now when I’m trying to be super serious.

TULIP
Whatever.  I’ll go over the wall with you.

CAL
Awesome.

They go and get dinner because it’s getting late and they should probably wait until tomorrow to do their thing.

CUT TO:

EXT. MEGACITY WALL – THE NEXT DAY (STILL 2568, JUST TO BE CLEAR.)

Cal and Tulip totally climb over this giant (20 foot) wall that surrounds Megacity.

CAL
What do you think we’re going to see out there?

TULIP
Man.  Haven’t we been over this?  Monsters.  Or not monsters.  Taco fields.  Shit, I don’t know.

CAL
Don’t get all huffy.

Cal and Tulip hop down safely to the other side.  And here’s where it gets crazy.

THEY’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN IN THE OLD WEST!

WHAT?!

THAT’S CRAZY!

CAL
This is weird.

TULIP
Yes.  What is this, 1849?

Cal walks over to a bench and grabs a newspaper.  He reads it, then:

CAL
Yep.  June 4th, 1849.

TULIP
What?

CAL
This whole world’s 1849.

TULIP
I still don’t understand.

CAL
I think our whole lives we’ve lived in a futuristic city, while the rest of the world lived in the past.

TULIP
There are no monsters…

CAL
Nope.

TULIP
They were just made up to keep us from the truth…

CAL
Yep.

Holy crap!

Mind blow.

CAL
Well, I don’t really want to live in the past.  Let’s go back to Megacity.

TULIP
Yes.  And let’s never speak of this again.

TITLE CARD: They never did speak of this again.  Who knows how many people in Megacity know the truth?  The truth that they live in the future while the rest of Earth lives in the past.  Nobody knows.  Well, except probably the High Council of Elders.  They’re old.  And rich.

Note: there’s a shorter version of this where they climb over the wall and are immediately eaten by monsters.  Some people like that version better because it’s not thought-provoking.  Some people hate thinking.  And those are the kind of people the High Council of Elders love.  (They’re old.  And rich.)

THE END.

Holy shit.  This is straight out of the future.  We’d be doing ourselves a huge favor if we hired a set designer that was actually from the future.

JK, JK, seriously.  Is this possible?

Anyway, a couple human beings are there and it’s like a command center with futuristic maps and computer stuff that is also futuristic.  Their clothes are futuristic also.

Basically the whole thing takes place in 2033, which isn’t even on the Mayan calendar.  I don’t think that’s really a problem though.

Whatever.  The humans are talking about stuff.

ROBERT
So seriously.  What are we going to do about this problem?

REGGIE
What problem?

ROBERT
The one I’ve been talking about for like 20 minutes.

REGGIE
Uhhhh…

ROLAND
Fuck, Reggie.  I thought you were supposed to get that Attention Payer Upgrade.  Christ.

REGGIE
I thought you were supposed to get that I’m Not a Dick Anymore firmware.

ROBERT
Guys, guys, guys.  Let’s not fight.  We’re all robots here.

WHAT?!

THEY’RE NOT HUMANS?!  THEY’RE ROBOTS!

NOBODY SAW THAT COMING BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE HUMANS!!!

ROBERT
So like I was saying, we’re all robots here.

REGGIE
True.

ROLAND
Yes.  100% accurate.

ROBERT
The thing is, we can’t infiltrate the humans because they’ve all grown mustaches and we’re incapable.  It just really sucks.

It’s true.  None of these dudes have mustaches.

REGGIE
Oh yeah.  I remember this shit now.  And if there’s a human who can’t grow a mustache, they kill him.

ROLAND
So you were paying attention?

REGGIE
Roland, go fuck yourself.

ROLAND
Does not compute.

All three (3) of the dudes laugh at this.  It’s like robot humor or something.

ROBERT
Guys, seriously.  Seriously, guys.  Until now, we haven’t been able to crack mustache growing technology, which seems crazy because we look EXACTLY like humans and have head hair, body hair and pubic hair.  Mustache hair is just to tough to crack.

REGGIE
It really doesn’t make any sense that we can’t figure it out.

ROLAND
Sometimes the things that you think are going to make the most sense end up not making any sense at all.

REGGIE
Roland, seriously, who even invited you to this shit?

ROLAND
Rico.

REGGIE
That was rhetorical, but remind me to jam a screwdriver into one of Rico’s USB ports later.

ROLAND
Will do.

ROBERT
Guys, seriously.  Back to the mustaches.

Their robot brains refocus.

ROBERT
So this robot in Florida claims to have mastered robot mustache technology.

Roland and Reggie are skeptical.

REGGIE
Sounds like bullshit.

ROLAND
Sounds like bullshit.

ROBERT
Well, whatever.  Are you guys seriously busy?  I didn’t think so.

REGGIE
You didn’t give us time to even answer.

ROLAND
Yeah, WTF?

ROBERT
Fine.

Robert gives them time.  It’s a long time.  Even for a robot.

We can’t even wait any longer, so we…

CUT TO:

EXT. FLORIDA – LATER THAT DAY

We’re actually in this robot’s house, but I think EXT.  FLORIDA is funnier than INT.  HOUSE.  I’m probably right.  We’ll call this robot guy ROGER.  He’s got a real shitty mustache coming in.  Like a peach fuzz teen stache.

Robert, Roland and Reggie are mesmerized by it.  Reggie goes to touch it.

ROGER
Whoa!  Don’t touch.  This shit is fragile man.  Real fragile.

REGGIE
How do we know it’s real?

ROGER
Oh, it’s real.  First of all, I got a Truth Teller 5.6 upgrade and can’t lie, so there’s that.

ROLAND
Hmm.  That definitely makes it more legitimate in my robot mind.

ROBERT
If this is true, if you discovered a way to give robots mustaches, this could be the key to infiltrating the humans once and for all and killing the shit out of them.

REGGIE
Yes.  That’s exactly what it means.  And I can’t let that happen.

They kind of all look at Reggie.  He looks super serious.

REGGIE
You robots were what we humans call “Close, but no cigar.”

ROBERT
What?

ROLAND
Does not compute.

ROGER
Fuck me.

Reggie pulls out a future taser and fires it, sending three (3) separate taser dart things into the chests of all three (3) of his former comrades.

REGGIE
Prepare to be electrocuted so hard that you shit your robot pants.

ROLAND
Does not compute!

He pulls the trigger and shocks the shit out of them, frying their robots minds.

Wow.

I expected a twist, but that one was pretty good.

REGGIE
You’re damn right it was good.

Reggie said that to the camera.  The audience will go completely nuts during that part.

Reggie then sets up a bunch of bombs and shit and blows up the robot mustache factory.  It’s not really a factory, but it would’ve been.  Irregardless, he saved humanity.

Stay tuned because Reggie is doing shit like this all the time.  In the future.

THE END.