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The Book Writer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. CAFE – DAY

This guy is sitting at a table with his laptop open.  He’s acting like he’s surfing the web for some super-interesting shit, but really he’s just looking at Miley Cyrus bikini pics and cashmere cardigans.  What an asshole.

Anyway, this guy is named FUNKADELIC.  Not really.  His name is GERSHWIN.  But it’s his first name so he’s not even related to the famous Gershwin, who I think did music or something.  It’s a pretty big problem because he has to like clarify that shit all the time.

Whatever.  Who cares.  The point is that this guy, Gershwin, is on his cell phone.  And he’s talking a little too loud in the cafe, like for everyone’s benefit.  Like their day is gonna be brightened by hearing this guy’s side of some random conversation.

GERSHWIN
(into phone, too loud, for everyone’s benefit)
…So should my editor give you a call and set up a meeting?

OTHER PERSON
(on the other side of the phone)
No.  You’re cold.  Your career’s in the shitter.  Don’t ever call me again.

GERSHWIN
Oh.

The line goes dead.

Gershwin doesn’t know what to say.  But he thinks quickly.  Real quickly.

GERSHWIN
(still into phone)
Awesome.  Yeah.  I know you’re into the proposal.  And I agree, ghosts are the next big thing to hit teen literature.  Also, yes, I am slightly prophetic.  Cool.  Talk to you later.  No, I’d rather you talk numbers with my editor or agent, but appreciate you trying to buy this thing from me over the phone without even really knowing the full deal.
(waits for a long beat for effect)
Again, awesome.  Look forward to hearing from my editor or agent about when this meeting is set up.  Talk to you later or, rather, see you soon.

Gershwin “hangs up.”  Holy shit.  Did he get away with it?  Did everyone in the fucking cafe believe that he was really on the phone the whole time?

Beat.

Then this woman, CATHY or some shit, who is sitting next to Gershwin decides to chat him up.

CATHY
I couldn’t help but overhear.

GERSHWIN
Oh, I’m so sorry.  How gauche of me.

Fuck that guy for using “gauche.”

CATHY
No, not at all.  Just because you’re in a cafe doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk on your cell.

GERSHWIN
True.

CATHY
Anyway, I gather that you’re an author.

GERSHWIN
True.

CATHY
A successful one at that.

GERSHWIN
Oh go on.

CATHY
I will go on.  I’m looking to make a baby with an author.  Preferably a successful one obviously.

GERSHWIN
I’m interested…

CATHY
One last thing: do you have any history of polydactylism in your family?

GERSHWIN
Only my cats.

Whoa!  That last line was so smooth!

No more words are exchanged and they go on to get married and have 50,0000 babies together.  (I’ll let you decide what the deal is with that comma in 50,0000.  Is it 50,000 with an extra 0?  Or 500,000 with the comma in the wrong spot?  Really it’s neither because I was exaggerating.  They had 3 babies.  Then they all died in a helicopter fishing accident.  2 boys, 1 girl.)

THE END.

A Kids Movie for Kids

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by huntercovington

Note: this movie really isn’t for kids.  Unless your kids are really mature.

EXT. STREET CORNER – DAY

Some kids are hanging out at a street corner.  But not like dealing drugs.  Just kinda hanging out and talking about stuff.  Stuff kids talk about.  The kids are like 10 or 11 and their names are JAMES, KIRK, BILLY and another KIRK.  (I know KIRK isn’t a super-common name, but there’s 2 of them in this story and you just have to deal with it.  I promise to try to make it not confusing.  But you have to promise to try to not be an idiot and actually put in some work too.  Thanks.)

KIRK
I just don’t like SpongeBob anymore.  It’s like I’ve outgrown it or something.

KIRK
I know what you mean.

See?  2 different Kirks, yet distinct voices.

JAMES
I still like it.

KIRK/KIRK
What?

JAMES
Well, I think it’s fallen off a bit, but what show hasn’t?

BILLY
Yeah, that’s a pretty salient point.

These kids are really smart and know words that even we don’t know.

BILLY
The general arc for a TV show is season 1: crappy.  Seasons whatever to whatever: good.  Final season: crappy again.  And usually some crappy seasons before that.

JAMES
Well, unless a show does 3 seasons.  Then it’s just a crap season sandwich.

BILLY
Exactly.

KIRK
Fuck Spongebob.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Whoa!

KIRK
What?  I said it.  Fuck SpongeBob.

JAMES
You shouldn’t use curse words.

BILLY
Yeah.

KIRK
Yeah.

Note: this wasn’t the Kirk who said “fuck.”  It was the other Kirk.

KIRK
Whatever.  What the shit is going to happen to me?

Suddenly (too suddenly?) this GUY walks up to them, having overheard all the cursing by Kirk (but not the other Kirk).  This guy is super-creepy and not the kind of guy who should be talking to kids.

GUY
Hey, kids.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Hey.

KIRK
Whoa, we’re not supposed to talk to strangers.

GUY
Oh don’t worry.  I won’t be a stranger for long.  My name’s Eddie.  There.  Now we’re not strangers.

KIRK
Yeah, I’m not sure that’s how it works.  At all, really.

GUY
Whatever.  I heard you cursing.

KIRK
So fucking what.

GUY
Well, I just wanted to let you know that I kidnap and molest kids who curse.

Holy shit!  Kirk is freaking!  Is this guy going to kidnap and molest him?  His friends look at him like we fucking told you not to curse.

It’s so tense!

No one knows what’s going to happen next!

There’s like a million push-ins on everyone!

Then:

GUY
Just kidding.  But seriously, don’t curse.  It’s not cool.

What?  That’s it?

Kirk wants to call this guy a jackass, but that would be cursing.

GUY
See you kids around.  Because I live in the neighborhood.  And I always know what you kids are doing.  Because I have binoculars.  And what you’re saying.  Because I have this like parabolic microphone like the police use on stakeouts.  So yeah.  I’m a little creepy.
(beat)
Bye.

The guy walks away.

The 4 kids just stand there, thinking.  That was close.

KIRK
Guys, seriously.  Let’s make a pact to never curse again.  That way that dude will never molest us.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Agreed.

So they agreed to never curse again.  But then Billy brought up a pretty good point:

BILLY
Wait, wait, wait.  If that guy wants to molest us, wouldn’t he just do it?  Like he’s gonna wait until we curse?  It just seems crazy.

KIRK
Billy’s right.  Let’s go kill that motherfucker.

JAMES/BILLY/KIRK
Agreed.

And so they went and killed that guy because he was a child molester.

THE END.

JARED’S

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 11, 2010 by huntercovington

This screenplay answers the following hotly-debated question: What if one man, Jared from Subway, opened a sandwich/jewelry superstore called JARED’S?

INT. JARED’S – DAY

This is a superstore, nay megastore.  (Actually, I don’t know which is bigger.  I assume megastore is bigger, but I can’t find any reliable sources to back it up.)

Anyway, people are enjoying not only delicious sandwiches created by dedicated sandwich artists, but also shopping for some of the most luxurious, swoon-inducing jewelry that has ever been jeweled by jewelers.

The camera floats through the super/megastore in a way that makes you feel like you’re in a dream.  An awesome, awesome dream.  The awesomest dream.  A dream where every race is represented and every customer has a coupon.  A song is playing that will be written by someone who is very popular and possibly not even born yet.  (Read: this movie may take a long time to get made.)

The camera lands on a guy we all know.  Not personally, but we know him like we know James Garner or Jennifer Garner because they are saturated in our media — this guy is JARED.  Yes, Jared from Subway.  The fat guy I went to college with who is now a skinny guy who does terrible commercials and makes money at it.

He sits on a throne made of diamond (and other various jewels) encrusted submarine sandwiches.  It’s breathtaking/ghastly.

He speaks:

JARED
Minions.

These couple dudes who are really short and scrawny and kind of look like bats, but are just weird-looking dudes turn around.

MINION #1
Yes, Master Jared, High Ruler of all things bejeweled and besandwiched?

JARED
Fuck.  I forget.

MINION #2
Was it a new combination of lunch meat?

MINION #3
Was it an engagement ring sale to beat all other engagement ring sales?

MINION #4
Was it a new design for a ham and turkey brooch just in time for the holiday season?

JARED
Yeah, no.  You guys yelling things at me will definitely help me remember.

MINION #1
Sorry, King Jared, ruler of baguettes and baguettes.

Great joke referencing a type of bread commonly used for sandwiches AND a cut of diamond.  I don’t like to throw around the word genius, but pretty genius.

JARED
Well, I like it better when you keep your bat faces shut.

Even he thinks they kinda look like bats!  Whoa!

Just then, someone enters Jared’s.  And it’s not someone looking for a delicious sandwich or a breathtaking anklet.  It’s the…

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

And even though this thing is probably set in 2025, Barack Obama is still President.  I think it’s because of loopholes or the Tea Party or something.  Not real sure.

He walks right up to Jared.  Neither man will speak first.  Finally Obama breaks because, well, I don’t want to give it away.

OBAMA
Jared.  I have a favor to ask you.

JARED
Obama, WTF?  At least buy something first.

CUT TO:

INT. JARED’S – LATER

Obama stands before Jared.  He eats a footlong BMT on 9-grain honey oat with Swiss, spinach, jalapenos and spicy mustard.  If you look close, you can see a small bag of baked Lays and a 20 oz. Sprite tucked in his suit coat pocket (right).

JARED
That’s better.  Now what is it, Obama.

OBAMA
I was just wondering…

JARED
Yes, you can have 20% off charm bracelets.  How many of those things do you need anyway?

OBAMA
It’s not that.  I mean, sure, I could always use more charm bracelets, but this is bigger.  Kind of.

JARED
Just say it already.

OBAMA
We were thinking about trying to reform health care again.  I wanted to get your blessing since you run the biggest corporation in America, nay the world.  Nay the planet!

Jared mulls (thinks) this over.

JARED
Nah.

Obama is crushed.  He stares at the floor through the next speech, fighting back tears.  The tears… of America.

OBAMA
Okay.  Okay.  I understand.  Great sandwich.  Great sandwich.  It’s really tops.

Obama leaves.

Holy crap!  Obama had to ask Jared if he could reform health care!  Jared is so powerful!  (This is why Obama had to speak first.  Jared > Obama in 2025.  Write it down.)

JARED
Minions!  Prepare my mayonnaise bath.
(superserious to camera)
Tonight I gain back all the weight I lost!

And he did.

THE END.

Megacity

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. MEGACITY – DAY

The year is 2568.  Like way in the future.  Flying cars and sex with robots, but not hover boards, which really sucks and makes it almost hurt your heart whenever you see a kid still riding a skateboard with wheels even though it’s 2568 and they had them in Back to the Future 2 and it was only 2015.  It’s a bunch of bullshit if you ask me.

Anyway.  This is Megacity.  It’s this crazy huge city that’s like New York City, Los Angeles and Chicago all stacked on top of each other.  It’s crazy.  It’s not at all like that city planet in the Star Wars prequels because those suck balls and any comparison would make this screenplay not as awesome and we can’t risk that.

Whatever.  A dude and a chick are talking.  Their names are CAL and TULIP.  Just because it’s the future doesn’t mean people don’t have stupid fucking names anymore.  They still do.  Cal and Tulip.  Shoot me.

CAL
…So Megacity is surrounded by a giant wall.

TULIP
Obvi.

CAL
I’m just saying, what’s beyond that wall.

TULIP
Monsters.

CAL
You really believe that?

TULIP
Well, fuck I don’t know.  That’s what the High Council of Elders teaches us.  I believe them.  Mostly because they’re old.  And rich.

CAL
I see all of your points.  However, I remain skeptical.

TULIP
That seems unsurprising to me at this point.

CAL
That I’m skeptical?

TULIP
Yeah.  Did you really have to clarify that?

CAL
I don’t know anymore.  What if they’re lying?  What if there aren’t any monsters?

TULIP
Fuck, Cal.  I don’t know.  Maybe there’s just fields of tacos out there or some shit.

CAL
Be serious, Tulip.  You know we can’t grow tacos in this soil.

It’s true.  They can’t.  Too acidic.

CAL
I just feel like we should go.

TULIP
Like just climb the wall and see what’s beyond?

CAL
Exactly.

TULIP
And then we get eaten by monsters.  We should wear shirts that say “Monster Food.”

CAL
I don’t think monsters can read, Tulip.

TULIP
So you believe in the monsters.

CAL
I don’t know what I believe.

TULIP
Well, all I know is that it’s 2568 and partly cloudy.

CAL
I don’t know how you can be glib right now when I’m trying to be super serious.

TULIP
Whatever.  I’ll go over the wall with you.

CAL
Awesome.

They go and get dinner because it’s getting late and they should probably wait until tomorrow to do their thing.

CUT TO:

EXT. MEGACITY WALL – THE NEXT DAY (STILL 2568, JUST TO BE CLEAR.)

Cal and Tulip totally climb over this giant (20 foot) wall that surrounds Megacity.

CAL
What do you think we’re going to see out there?

TULIP
Man.  Haven’t we been over this?  Monsters.  Or not monsters.  Taco fields.  Shit, I don’t know.

CAL
Don’t get all huffy.

Cal and Tulip hop down safely to the other side.  And here’s where it gets crazy.

THEY’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN IN THE OLD WEST!

WHAT?!

THAT’S CRAZY!

CAL
This is weird.

TULIP
Yes.  What is this, 1849?

Cal walks over to a bench and grabs a newspaper.  He reads it, then:

CAL
Yep.  June 4th, 1849.

TULIP
What?

CAL
This whole world’s 1849.

TULIP
I still don’t understand.

CAL
I think our whole lives we’ve lived in a futuristic city, while the rest of the world lived in the past.

TULIP
There are no monsters…

CAL
Nope.

TULIP
They were just made up to keep us from the truth…

CAL
Yep.

Holy crap!

Mind blow.

CAL
Well, I don’t really want to live in the past.  Let’s go back to Megacity.

TULIP
Yes.  And let’s never speak of this again.

TITLE CARD: They never did speak of this again.  Who knows how many people in Megacity know the truth?  The truth that they live in the future while the rest of Earth lives in the past.  Nobody knows.  Well, except probably the High Council of Elders.  They’re old.  And rich.

Note: there’s a shorter version of this where they climb over the wall and are immediately eaten by monsters.  Some people like that version better because it’s not thought-provoking.  Some people hate thinking.  And those are the kind of people the High Council of Elders love.  (They’re old.  And rich.)

THE END.

Robots & Mustaches

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. FUTURISTIC GIGANTIC ROOM – NIGHT

Holy shit.  This is straight out of the future.  We’d be doing ourselves a huge favor if we hired a set designer that was actually from the future.

JK, JK, seriously.  Is this possible?

Anyway, a couple human beings are there and it’s like a command center with futuristic maps and computer stuff that is also futuristic.  Their clothes are futuristic also.

Basically the whole thing takes place in 2033, which isn’t even on the Mayan calendar.  I don’t think that’s really a problem though.

Whatever.  The humans are talking about stuff.

ROBERT
So seriously.  What are we going to do about this problem?

REGGIE
What problem?

ROBERT
The one I’ve been talking about for like 20 minutes.

REGGIE
Uhhhh…

ROLAND
Fuck, Reggie.  I thought you were supposed to get that Attention Payer Upgrade.  Christ.

REGGIE
I thought you were supposed to get that I’m Not a Dick Anymore firmware.

ROBERT
Guys, guys, guys.  Let’s not fight.  We’re all robots here.

WHAT?!

THEY’RE NOT HUMANS?!  THEY’RE ROBOTS!

NOBODY SAW THAT COMING BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE HUMANS!!!

ROBERT
So like I was saying, we’re all robots here.

REGGIE
True.

ROLAND
Yes.  100% accurate.

ROBERT
The thing is, we can’t infiltrate the humans because they’ve all grown mustaches and we’re incapable.  It just really sucks.

It’s true.  None of these dudes have mustaches.

REGGIE
Oh yeah.  I remember this shit now.  And if there’s a human who can’t grow a mustache, they kill him.

ROLAND
So you were paying attention?

REGGIE
Roland, go fuck yourself.

ROLAND
Does not compute.

All three (3) of the dudes laugh at this.  It’s like robot humor or something.

ROBERT
Guys, seriously.  Seriously, guys.  Until now, we haven’t been able to crack mustache growing technology, which seems crazy because we look EXACTLY like humans and have head hair, body hair and pubic hair.  Mustache hair is just to tough to crack.

REGGIE
It really doesn’t make any sense that we can’t figure it out.

ROLAND
Sometimes the things that you think are going to make the most sense end up not making any sense at all.

REGGIE
Roland, seriously, who even invited you to this shit?

ROLAND
Rico.

REGGIE
That was rhetorical, but remind me to jam a screwdriver into one of Rico’s USB ports later.

ROLAND
Will do.

ROBERT
Guys, seriously.  Back to the mustaches.

Their robot brains refocus.

ROBERT
So this robot in Florida claims to have mastered robot mustache technology.

Roland and Reggie are skeptical.

REGGIE
Sounds like bullshit.

ROLAND
Sounds like bullshit.

ROBERT
Well, whatever.  Are you guys seriously busy?  I didn’t think so.

REGGIE
You didn’t give us time to even answer.

ROLAND
Yeah, WTF?

ROBERT
Fine.

Robert gives them time.  It’s a long time.  Even for a robot.

We can’t even wait any longer, so we…

CUT TO:

EXT. FLORIDA – LATER THAT DAY

We’re actually in this robot’s house, but I think EXT.  FLORIDA is funnier than INT.  HOUSE.  I’m probably right.  We’ll call this robot guy ROGER.  He’s got a real shitty mustache coming in.  Like a peach fuzz teen stache.

Robert, Roland and Reggie are mesmerized by it.  Reggie goes to touch it.

ROGER
Whoa!  Don’t touch.  This shit is fragile man.  Real fragile.

REGGIE
How do we know it’s real?

ROGER
Oh, it’s real.  First of all, I got a Truth Teller 5.6 upgrade and can’t lie, so there’s that.

ROLAND
Hmm.  That definitely makes it more legitimate in my robot mind.

ROBERT
If this is true, if you discovered a way to give robots mustaches, this could be the key to infiltrating the humans once and for all and killing the shit out of them.

REGGIE
Yes.  That’s exactly what it means.  And I can’t let that happen.

They kind of all look at Reggie.  He looks super serious.

REGGIE
You robots were what we humans call “Close, but no cigar.”

ROBERT
What?

ROLAND
Does not compute.

ROGER
Fuck me.

Reggie pulls out a future taser and fires it, sending three (3) separate taser dart things into the chests of all three (3) of his former comrades.

REGGIE
Prepare to be electrocuted so hard that you shit your robot pants.

ROLAND
Does not compute!

He pulls the trigger and shocks the shit out of them, frying their robots minds.

Wow.

I expected a twist, but that one was pretty good.

REGGIE
You’re damn right it was good.

Reggie said that to the camera.  The audience will go completely nuts during that part.

Reggie then sets up a bunch of bombs and shit and blows up the robot mustache factory.  It’s not really a factory, but it would’ve been.  Irregardless, he saved humanity.

Stay tuned because Reggie is doing shit like this all the time.  In the future.

THE END.

He’s Back, You’re Welcome

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 6, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. STUDY – NIGHT

It’s called a study, but really it’s just a dining room that has a computer desk instead of a eating table.  Shit is everywhere.  Not actual shit, but boxes.  Boxes of shit that hasn’t been unpacked even though this dude has lived here for over a year.  What a dick.

Anyway, this DUDE is typing away at his computer, composing some serious shit in something resembling screenplay format.  He’s also talking to himself so we can know what he’s thinking because voice over is for the weak (pussies).

DUDE
Yes… yes… yes… I’m doing it.  I’m really doing it!

What he’s doing is writing.  Hard.

He types so furiously it’s like he’s trying to punish his keyboard for war crimes.

He’s sweating and it tastes like bourbon.

DUDE
I’m totally back.  For real.

He types “THE END” and finishes.  Big time.

THE END.

Human Poo

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. PARK – NIGHT

Fuck it’s dark out here.

Some clouds pass and reveal the moon, lighting the place up a little bit more.

Okay, that’s better.

Stars are everywhere!  I bet there’s life out there.  Maybe not human life, but some kinda life.  Like maybe insect-y looking dudes like in Starship Troopers or blobby like dudes like in the Blob.  But none of that shit matters because this isn’t about that.  It’s about this:

Some BUM is taking a dump underneath this really cool pirate ship playground thing that’s clearly for kids and clearly not for bums taking dumps underneath.  This guy sucks.  He’s about 5’8″.

Anyway, that’s all we need to see in this scene.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – THE NEXT MORNING

Wow.  There’s a lot of kids here!  With nannies and parents and mannies, which are apparently male nannies and pretty much losers.  Kids are everywhere.  This one kid is like, “I’m going to go chill underneath this pirate ship.  It looks like a good place to ill out.”

Before he can even make it inside the freaking pirate ship structure thing, the OLD WOMAN goes nuts!

OLD WOMAN
Don’t go inside there!  There’s human poo!

The kid is like, “What the fuck?”  The kid’s DAD is a pretty funny dude, so he says:

DAD
What?  If it was another kind of poo it would be okay?

He laughs gaudily.  The kid’s MOM is like perturbed.

MOM
How do you know it’s human poo?

OLD WOMAN
Hey.  You find me a dog that can drop a deuce that big, I’ll give you five dollars and three hard candies.

The mom and dad look at each other.

DAD/MOM
Deal!

The mom and dad take off in a mad search to find a dog that can make a shit that big.  They just leave their kid.  The old woman sees this.  Big time.

OLD WOMAN
Parents these days.

She shakes her head and walks away, getting hit by a bus as she crosses the street.  She dies.

The kid decides, “What the fuck ever.  I love playing with poo.”  He goes underneath the pirate ship and plays with the poo.  No one even cares because they just don’t, okay?

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – THAT NIGHT

The Bum is back.  He’s drunk and stumbling which is pretty much all you’ll ever see bums doing.  Like you’ve never seen a bum walk around like a princess.  They just don’t do that shit.  Trust me.

He’s walking toward the pirate ship when he hears a quiet voice.

VOICE (OS)
Heeeeyyyyy!  What the fuck, man?

He’s alarmed/startled.  He walks toward the pirate ship structure thing to investigate (note: he’s not a professional investigator).

VOICE (OS)
Dude, look what that kid did to me.

We push in on the bum’s face.  He’s horrified and terrified all at once.

We flip around to see what that dude sees:

THE MASHED-UP POO!

IT’S TALKING!

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!

POO
I’m just really upset.  You could’ve at least put me in a bush or something.  Buried me in the sand.  I don’t know.

BUM
S-s-sorry?

POO
Whatever.  It just really hurts.  That fucking kid mashed the fuck out of me.  And he ate one of my feet.

The bum is like totally not knowing what to do.  At all.

POO
I should be in the sewers with my parents.

Man, this is too much for the bum.  He feels really bad and really confused.

BUM
Sorry, Poo, but this is really fucked and I’m totally out of here.

POO
Great.  Leave me just like everyone else.

The bum takes off running and gets hit JUST LIKE THE OLD WOMAN!

HOLY CRAP!

DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!

His body flies through the air and lands on hers.  Just two dead bodies laying in the middle of the street, rotting.  What kind of a city is this?

THE END.

Note: the mom and dad are still looking for a dog that can take a dump that big.  They never saw their child again.  He’s now the President of Chase Bank.

The Tobacco InduSECRETry

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT

We float through the city — giant skyscrapers surround us, some with a lot of lights on, some with only a few.  This city never sleeps because its inhabitants won’t let it because they’re constantly doing stuff.  None more than this guy:

INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

REX OVERHOLT (Who will alternately be referred to as “Rex” and “Overholt” mainly just to keep you on your toes), 42, but with the body of a 25 year old and the mind of a 46 year old.  These things don’t come for free and we see in his office an elliptical as well as a mini-library. (Note to Props: the mini-library should have 200 books minimum.  I’ll provide you a list of the ones I want.  Thanks.)  He looks out over the city as he sips a cup of coffee — black like men like it.

REX OVERHOLT
This city never fucking sleeps.

We do this really cool focus thing with the camera where his POV suddenly shows his reflection in the window.  He looks at himself.

REX OVERHOLT
And neither do I.

Just then, his phone rings.  He answers it.

REX OVERHOLT
This is Overholt.

MALE VOICE (OS)
This is Candace.  Meet me at the Acropolis.

The line goes dead.  Overholt isn’t too happy about meeting this “Candace” at the “Acropolis.”  He mulls it over in his mind with his mind.

Just then, BOOM!  His assistant, JODY, a dude, rushes in like some shit is on fire or something!

JODY
Whoa!  The Acropolis!  Should I book you a trip to Greece?

REX OVERHOLT
It’s a code word, Jody.  And why are you still here?

JODY
So I can put down more overtime without feeling guilty.

REX OVERHOLT
Jody… don’t make me fire you.

JODY
Okay.  Talk to you later!

Jody exits and so does Rex.

INT. ELEVATOR – MOMENTS LATER

Jody and Rex ride together uncomfortably on the elevator.  Rex clearly should’ve delayed his exit.  This is stupid.

And takes way too long.

It’s still not over.

Okay.

Now it is.

They get off the elevator.

EXT. ALLEY – LATER

Some dude stands in the alley as Overholt rounds the corner.  The dude seems excited.

REX OVERHOLT
Candace?

Yep.

CANDACE
Yes!  I thought you wouldn’t come.  Well, I thought you would, but there was a small part of me that thought you wouldn’t.  Pretty interesting stuff.

REX OVERHOLT
Right.  What’s this ground-breaking, earth-shattering information you have for me?

CANDACE
It’s about the tobacco industry!

REX OVERHOLT
Hey, Candace.  Calm the fuck down.  This shit is supposed to be on the DL and your mouth is a motherfucking megaphone.

CANDACE
My bad.

REX OVERHOLT
Yes, it is your bad.  Don’t do that shit again.  Ever again.

Candace talks quieter the rest of the scene.  If he didn’t, Rex would’ve smoked his ass or just walked away, not wanting to deal with this moron.  Loud moron.

CANDACE
I have information that cigarettes can kill you.

Candace pauses for effect and to let this sink in for Overholt.

REX OVERHOLT
No shit.  Where have you been for the last decade?

CANDACE
But this is different.  This is new information that’s come to light just like new information came to light in that one movie with that one dude.

REX OVERHOLT
I’d love to stay here and chit-chat, but the truth is I wouldn’t love to stay here and chit-chat.

CANDACE
So you don’t want to buy the information from me?

REX OVERHOLT
Yes.  I do want to buy the information from you… with BULLETS!

Rex pulls out a gun and shoots Candace to death!  Fuck!  Whoa!  Wow!

Candace dies and doesn’t get to say anything because Rex shot him so fast.

Rex (Overholt) grabs the folder out of Candace’s hand (it’s been there the whole time, I just didn’t tell you about it) and takes off into the New York night.

INT. REX OVERHOLT’S BATHROOM – LATER

Rex walks into his bathroom way tired from this day.

REX OVERHOLT
Well, that was some fucking bullshit.  Lucky this info didn’t fall into the wrong hands.

He flushed the file folder down the toilet — a decision he will later regret when his toilet gets all clogged up and he has to call a plumber.

He starts to draw a bath and puts bubbles in that shit because he likes to relax.

He then takes off his clothes — don’t go crazy, he’s just built like a normal dude.

But then something crazy happens…

HE GRABS A ZIPPER ON HIS BACK AND UNZIPS HIS SKIN!

WHAT?!

YES.

HE TAKES OFF HIS SKIN TO REVEAL A GIANT 6-FOOT TALL CIGARETTE WITH SPINDLY LITTLE ARMS AND LEGS!

WTF!

WHOA!

The giant cigarette version of Rex Overholt gets into the bathtub and sinks into the bubbles.

He then takes a Zippo and lights the top of his head.  The cherry on the top of his head glows red for a beat, then he blows smoke out of his CGI mouth.

REX OVERHOLT
Fucking people.

THE END.

LOL, For Real

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. JUNGLE – NIGHT

It’s so wet and plant-y out here in this jungle!  My skin would be terrible if I lived here!  There are so many undiscovered species also!

FWOOSH!

THUMP!

A dude just jumped out of one of those new helicopters that have the silent blades.  Those seriously exist now.  The sound of him landing on the damp ground and a rare indigenous frog is the only sound in the dark of the jungle night.

The dude is CASPER, 34, a super badass CIA ghost operative.  That’s why he’s named Casper.  It’s kind of clever and kind of cute.  People sometimes underestimate him.  Those people generally end up raped or dead.  Or both, but that was just one time and it’s exactly why Casper doesn’t drink anymore.

Whatever.  The point is, he’s on a mission.  And if you think anyone involved thinks Casper is going to fail, you are dead wrong.  You’re like “voting for Al Gore” wrong.  (Which is a weird example, but you’ll see what I’m talking about later.)

Casper checks all his weapons: uzi, knife, grenades, sniper rifle.

CASPER
(to himself)
Check, check, check, check, check.

His earpiece SQUAWKS.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
What?

CASPER
Nothing.  I was just checking to make sure I have all my weapons.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Do you?

CASPER
No, I left my butter knife.

The dude on the earpiece laughs.

CASPER
It’s not funny.  Sometimes I use that shit as a screwdriver.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Oh.  My bad.

Awkward beat.  (We might want to cut this awkward beat in editing, but I want to shoot it to see if it builds tension.  I bet it will, but I’m not 100%.  Thanks.)

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
So, are you gonna go assassinate Salazar?

CASPER
Obvi.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
What?

CASPER
Obvi, as in obviously.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Oh.
(then getting it)
OHHHHHH.  Totally never made that connection.

CASPER
Anderson, just leave me alone.  I’ll let you know when I assassinate Salazar.

Apparently the dude on the earpiece is named “Anderson.”  It’s still unclear if it’s his first or last name.  And honestly, it doesn’t even matter.  I just thought I’d bring it up.  You can decide for yourself.  Seriously.  It doesn’t even matter.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Okay.

CASPER
Thanks.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
No problem.

Casper starts to head off into the jungle, but then stops.

CASPER
Anderson?

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Yeah?

CASPER
You’re a solid dude.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Thanks, man.  I wish my girlfriend felt the same way.  Sometimes I think we just don’t connect.  It’s like–

CASPER
Anderson, I seriously don’t have time for this shit.  Let’s do this later.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Okay.

CASPER
Fuck.

Casper walks off.  We crane up super-high and see some huts and shit in the distance.  It’s going to be a long walk for Casper, but he’ll probably listen to his iPod, so don’t be worried about him getting bored.

CUT TO:

EXT. HUT AREA – LATER

Casper sneaks up behind this hut and pulls out his sniper rifle.  He surveys the scene:

It’s like a circle of huts with a fire in the middle.  Dudes are everywhere in paramilitary uniforms and holding AK-47s.  They look relaxed, but get super-serious when this other dude walks out of a hut.  He’s dressed similar, but has a Lakers jersey on over his fatigues for some reason.  It’s #24, but as he turns, we see it doesn’t say “Bryant” (as in Kobe Bryant) on the back.  Instead it says SALAZAR!

HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S THE DUDE CASPER WANTS TO ASSASSINATE!

I KEEP FORGETTING THERE’S 4 S’S IN ASSASSINATE AND HAVE TO GO BACK AND FIX IT EVERY TIME!

Casper remains cool.  A lot cooler than you or I ever would.  He’s only like 10 feet away from Salazar now.  CLOSER THAN ANY AGENT HAS EVER BEEN!

Using a sniper rifle from 10 feet away seems slightly retarded, but clearly you’ve never played a video game.  There’s something awesome about sniping someone from super-close.  And that something is, of course, sniping someone from super-close.

Anyway, just as Casper’s about to pull the trigger and end the drug-trafficking monster slave-trader Salazar’s life, he hears his cell phone vibrate.  He checks the text message.

We don’t see it.

Casper can’t help himself and Laughs Out Loud (LOL) at whatever the text message said.  He starts to text back “LOL,” still laughing to himself and apparently forgetting the situation which he is confronted.

Wrong move.

Big time.

Salazar’s men shoot the shit out of Casper.  Now he’s a real ghost.  Sorry, that was tasteless.  A dude just died.  Show some respect.

But seriously, what did that text message say?  And who actually laughs out loud?

And that’s why the CIA doesn’t allow text messaging anymore.

THE END.

The Painting Gorilla

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. ZOO – DAY

There’s a lot of commotion and clamoring outside the gorilla exhibit at the zoo.  People are buzzing about something this REPORTER is going to tell us about:

REPORTER
Thanks, Sally.  People are buzzing about the ground-breaking news I’m about to share with you.  A gorilla, at the zoo, is a painter.  Yes, that’s right, a fucking gorilla.  I shit you not.

The Reporter probably doesn’t really talk like this, but I thought it’d be funny.  Anyway.

REPORTER
And this isn’t like an elephant painting or a horse or a chimpanzee.  This gorilla is actually good.  I’m talking Grandma Moses good.  Or Monet good.  But not Manet, that dude was a hack.

Great art history joke.

REPORTER
Anyway, let’s take a look at this dude do his thing…

We angle on the gorilla enclosure.  One gorilla paints.  He’s happy as fuck.  The other gorilla is sad.  Mainly because he can’t paint, but also because he has to take a dump and all these people are here.  He’s too nervous to go.  So he waits.

The painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head.  Pay attention to that last part: the painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head.  That shit’s gonna come into play later.

The painting gorilla just paints and then reveals his masterpiece.  (Note: we should get a person to do the actual painting because I just made up this painting gorilla shit and actually finding one will probably be impossible.  But I guess casting should give it a shot.  It would be cool if it was a real painting gorilla.)

Anyway, the painting is awesome.  Better than anything you could do, trust me.

CUT TO:

EXT. FAKE FORESTY AREA AT ZOO – LATER

Suddenly we cut to an interview set-up thing with the reporter, the painting gorilla and the TRAINER (A super hot chick.  Think of a super hot chick.  Any hot chick.  That’s who this is.)

REPORTER
So this is some pretty impressive shit.

TRAINER
Yes, it is.  Popono loves painting.

Apparently the painting gorilla is named POPONO.

REPORTER
We hear he does American Sign Language.

TRAINER
Yes, he does.  You can totally ask him anything you want.

REPORTER
Popono, we hear your paintings are selling for a lot of money and people with a lot of money are buying your paintings.  What are you going to do with the money?

POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
Well, I don’t have any real dreams but to just paint.  My cage-mate Fofofo wants to buy a boat and sail around the world, but he’s talentless.  So I will steal his dream.

REPORTER
That’s a great story, Popono.

What?  That’s a terrible story.  Whatever.

Music swells because we’re doing a montage.

REPORTER (VO)
And paint Popono did…

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Justin Timberlake gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Glenn Close gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!!!

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Lil Wayne gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Obama gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–A bank robber gives Popono cash for the painting.  Everyone laughs and the cops arrest him.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!  He can’t get enough Popono paintings!

EXT. ZOO – DAY

The media is there and they are having a field day or whatever they have when they are excited about something.  It’s so serious that journalists are coming back from the dead to cover this.  Not really.  That’s not right for this movie tonally.

REPORTER
Popono has raised enough money to buy not only his freedom, but also a yacht to sail around the world.

Popono smiles, then hands a giant check to the zookeeper.  No one really understands this part.

POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
I’m totally ready to live out my cage-mate’s dream of sailing around the world!

Fuck.  No way did he just dis his cage-mate like that.  Well, he did.

Fofofo just fumes like, “You gotta be kidding me with this shit.”

But no one is joking about any of this.  Especially Tom Cruise, who is going nuts about the paintings still!  He has pictures of them in his wallet like they’re his kids!  Maybe the weirdest thing he’s ever done.

CUT TO:

EXT. OCEAN – DAY

People wave as Popono sails away on his yacht.

REPORTER
And thus ends an empowering tale of a gorilla that’s probably more talented than anyone alive right now.

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – DAY

We’re at the gorilla enclosure and Fofofo looks downtrodden.  The Trainer tries to console him, but she’s for shit at comforting gorillas.

TRAINER
It’s okay, Fofofo.  You just weren’t born with any talent.  Kinda like me.  You know my sister plays in the WNBA?  Yep.  She got all the talent.  And all the women.

There’s a long beat where Fofofo just wants her to leave.  Their situations aren’t alike at all.

TRAINER
Welp, I’m out of here.  Peace.

She gets up and leaves.  Fofofo is like, “About time.”

He them looks over in a mirror and notices a lighter splotch on the top of his head.

He quickly pulls out a marker and colors it black.

You know why?

Because it’s ACTUALLY POPONO!

THE GORILLAS TRICKED EVERYONE AND POPONO, WHO JUST WANTED TO STOP PAINTING PRETENDED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET, BUT IT WAS REALLY FOFOFO, WHO JUST WANTED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET!

THEY’RE BOTH LIVING THEIR DREAMS!

NOBODY SAW THAT COMING!

That took a lot longer to write than I thought it would.

THE END.

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