Really Smart Cadillac
INT. REALLY SMART CADILLAC – NIGHT
Two detectives, COCHRANE and SMOLTZ, both 39 and dudes ride along in a really sweet black Cadillac. This Cadillac is like not other because it’s a REALLY SMART CADILLAC. It has like a 160 IQ or something and if you tried to play it in chess it would beat you even though it thinks chess is for puss-bags.
The main problem for the Really Smart Cadillac is it can’t talk. It’s NOT KITT. Seriously. Don’t assume all smart cars can talk like KITT can. This one can’t. I’m just getting really pissed at everyone thinking this car can talk. It can’t. Just to reiterate, it can’t.
But it can think. And the audience can hear it think and be frustrated with it (EMPATHY).
Just watch:
COCHRANE
Man. I totally think it was the wife who murdered the husband. It just makes so much sense.
SMOLTZ
Nah. That’s too easy. It’s the estranged son’s biker girlfriend.
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
What?! She’s not a biker. She’s rides a Vespa! A Vespa with a bundle of daisies and like a teddy bear thing airbrushed on it. What the fuck?!
Remember, the detectives can’t hear the car talk. Just the audience.
COCHRANE
Yeah, I can see what you’re saying. She’s in a biker gang and that makes it make lot of sense. Probably more sense than my wife theory makes at this point.
The engine revs like crazy and the radio stations change really fast! That’s the only way the car can really communicate because IT CAN’T TALK. I’m getting sick telling you over and over, but it’s like you just don’t get it. (But remember, we can hear the car’s thoughts.)
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
SHE RIDES A SCOOTER AND GOES TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE! She’s not in a biker gang. Sheesh.
SMOLTZ
I think we work well together. Me and you.
COCHRANE
Yeah.
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
No, you don’t! You really don’t! It was the MISTRESS! How can you be so STUPID?!
COCHRANE
I just feel really bad for the mistress.
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
What?!
The car revs like crazy!
SMOLTZ
Yeah, she seems like a solid chick.
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit!
COCHRANE
The most solid things about that chick are her fake boobs.
SMOLTZ
Damn!
The car isn’t mad for once. Because he agrees.
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
He’s right. Her fake boobs are solid.
COCHRANE
But she definitely didn’t do it and it was the biker chick.
SMOLTZ
Yep. That’s what I have: not mistress, def biker chick.
Smoltz shows Cochrane his little note pad where he has that shit written down like an asshole.
REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
What?! I hate you dudes so much!
WHAM!
The Really Smart Cadillac couldn’t take it anymore and slammed into a light pole!
WHAT?!
Yes. That’s exactly what just happened.
The car basically killed itself because its owners were being retarded to the max.
The two detectives were fine because of seat belts and air bags and crumple zones. But whatever because they totally tried to convict the biker chick and failed. Meanwhile the mistress ran off to Bolivia. She was never heard from again. One could speculate that she killed more dudes.
THE END.
March 3, 2010 at 6:17 pm
Phew. My friend Lance once died when he drove his car into a lightpole when he was drunk but now I know it was because he also had a really smart car that killed him… because Lance often said really stupid things that a car would HATE!