The Commission
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN – DAY (SUNNY AND AMAZING)
This takes place in an alternate history where America has a King and the Soviet Union is still together and really good at the Olympics. Cool.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN (53) stands on the White House lawn. He’s dressed like a king with sweet furs like ermine. (That’s the white fur with black dots you always see kings wearing. Apparently rare and expensive.) Also the White House is more castle-like than it is right now, which is not at all castle-like.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
This painting has to be awesome. So awesome that the dirty Soviet scum will bow before us once they see its image.
Someone is about to talk, but he goes on because he’s the king of this shit and he stops for no one. Consequently (or subsequently) he’s been in like a million car accidents and has back trouble. But whatever, he’s the king.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
So awesome that the dirty Soviet scum will kneel before us once they see its image.
Someone tries to talk again, but he can’t be stopped.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
So awesome that the dirty Soviet scum will…
Everyone waits.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
I don’t know. What do you think?
We reveal among the King’s audience is a young artist named ASLIGALNWLN.
Whoa!
Just fucking with you. His name is ALAN. He went to art school and everything.
ALAN
Milord, I can totally do something that awesome.
ALAN
One time I airbrushed Hulk Hogan clubbing Saddam Hussein to death with a tiger shark on the hood of a Corvette.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
Hmm…
ALAN
Let me clarify: when I say “tiger shark” I don’t mean like a regular tiger shark. I actually mean a half-tiger, half-shark.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
Oh. A tigark.
ALAN
Well, actually we called it a shiger.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
That sounds a little racist.
ALAN
Okay. Tigark it is.
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
I would like you to paint an equally awesome painting on the new memorial I commissioned which is basically a 500 foot by 500 foot blank wall made specifically for you to paint such an awesome painting and make the Soviets shit their pants in fear.
ALAN
Got it.
Alan starts to walk away, then:
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
And try to come up with something much more awesome than a shiger.
ALAN
You mean tigark?
KING JAMESON LINCOLN
Don’t be an asshole.
Alan just shuts his fucking mouth and walks away. Man, so much pressure!
MONTAGE
–Alan thinks at a Starbucks.
–Alan sketches in a meadow with the giant blank 500 by 500 foot wall in the background. So daunting!
–Alan shows a painted model of the wall to his girlfriend (we can’t see it). She breaks up with him and storms out.
–Alan cries and like touches the wall. He’s a man without anything but an almost unattainable goal.
–Alan takes a really long pee. (Boring, but realistic.)
–Alan sketches at Starbucks and realizes he’s nailed it! It’s perfect. He stands up and punches the old man sitting next to him. The old man gets all mad, then Alan shoves the sketch in his face. The old man gets it, then punches an emo kid in the throat. Everyone is punching everyone as Alan skips out with his masterpiece awesome sketch.
–Soviet supersonic jet fighters fly over Washington DC and drop nukes. The whole place is leveled. Even the White House castle and giant blank memorial wall.
FADE TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD: “America loses the war, but almost more importantly, America lost a great artist.”
TITLE CARD: “Alan Swipdisky 1977-2010.”
We fade in on his final, awesome sketch:
The King stands with his arms held high in victory. Except instead of regular arms, his left arm is a cobra! And his right arm is a machine gun firing a million bullets a second! And rockets! His left leg is a bear and his right leg is a lion! His torso is a Hummer! His face is just his regular face! All the armies of the world that aren’t American lie dead under his feet, which aren’t regular — THEY’RE BATTLESHIPS! He killed everyone! He’s so awesome! The background is made of fire, lightning and naked women of all races.
But none of it was accurate and the Soviets won.
THE END.
THE SAD, SAD END.
