A Planet Called Saonosgh
EXT. A PLANET CALLED SAONOSGH – DAY (OR NIGHT? HOW CAN YOU TELL?)
We’re seriously on another planet called Saonosgh. I don’t even know how to pronounce that shit. Just sound it out I guess, but everyone should get on the same page for the table read (and subsequent shooting).
It’s a red planet, but just when you think it’s Mars, it starts to look like Venus. And it’s got some Neptune going on also. It seems fucking impossible, but it is what it is.
Two (2) astronauts from America (Note to wardrobe: make sure their outfits look NASA-approved. Don’t let it look like ARMAGEDDON or some shit. Those outfits looked dumb to me and fake.) Stand on the planet with some like moon lander looking ship in the background. But that’s not their main ship because their main ship is looming in the background of the background (the Director of Photography should understand what I’m saying). Anyway, these two dudes are named DAN and NAD. Just kidding. They’re names are TOMAX and XAMOT. Again, kidding. Those are GI Joe characters. From my childhood. But I digress. Their names are ROBERT and JIM.
ROBERT
This is crazy. I’m so surprised we’re the first humans on Saonosgh.
JIM
Are we?
ROBERT
Yeah. Obviously. There were like a ton of interviews we did before we went on this mission.
JIM
I was obliquely referencing the possibility that maybe the Egyptians were here before us.
ROBERT
What?
JIM
It’s just a theory I have.
ROBERT
Dammit, Jim, you’re a scientist. Not a conspiracy theorist.
JIM
I’m just fucking with you anyway.
ROBERT
I hate when you do that. Be serious.
JIM
Okay.
ROBERT
So do you think we can take our helmets off in this atmosphere?
JIM
Um, according to my calculations, there’s a 1 in 14 billion chance that we can breath the atmosphere of Saonosgh.
ROBERT
I like those odds.
Before Jim can stop him, Robert takes off his helmet. Jim is all like “You gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit.”
But he doesn’t die. At all.
ROBERT
Huh. Looks like I hit the lottery. Go ahead, Jim, take yours off.
JIM
I don’t know. I still think you’re crazy.
ROBERT
Just do it and stop being a pussy.
JIM
I’m not being a pussy.
ROBERT
You’re always a pussy. That’s all we talk about back in the Houston NASA base locker room. Jim is a big pussy.
JIM
I’m not.
ROBERT
Seriously, I heard a Russian cosmonaut carved on the moon “Jim is a pussy.”
JIM
The Russians haven’t even been to the moon.
ROBERT
Or have they?
They stare at each other for a long beat that is more uncomfortable for the audience than the actual actors/characters.
JIM
Fine.
Jim takes his helmet off.
Nothing happens.
He breathes.
JIM
Not too shabby. A little nitrogen-y for me, but breathable.
What the fuck, Jim? Audiences don’t even know what that means.
ROBERT
See I told you. 1 in 14 billion, I like those odds.
JIM
Well, for your information, those odds are the same as the odds of a planet where rain is made of rocks instead of water.
If you don’t know what happens next, you’ve never seen a movie, watched TV or even heard a story before.
It starts raining on planet Saonosgh.
I hope you guessed it — on this planet it rains rocks instead of water.
They die.
Why?
Because they got rained on with rocks for like 6 hours straight because it was monsoon season.
Another note: this planet doesn’t have the Weather Channel, so don’t even act like that was an option.
We fade to black, but then a Chyron comes up on the screen. (A Chyron is when words come on the screen. Some people like to say title card, it’s not a title. It’s a Chyron. And if you really want to argue about this, just save everyone some time and email yourself, taking the pro and the con. Thanks.)
“Humans never returned to Saonosgh. Can you blame them?”
The correct answer is “no.”
THE END.
