The Tobacco InduSECRETry

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT

We float through the city — giant skyscrapers surround us, some with a lot of lights on, some with only a few.  This city never sleeps because its inhabitants won’t let it because they’re constantly doing stuff.  None more than this guy:

INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

REX OVERHOLT (Who will alternately be referred to as “Rex” and “Overholt” mainly just to keep you on your toes), 42, but with the body of a 25 year old and the mind of a 46 year old.  These things don’t come for free and we see in his office an elliptical as well as a mini-library. (Note to Props: the mini-library should have 200 books minimum.  I’ll provide you a list of the ones I want.  Thanks.)  He looks out over the city as he sips a cup of coffee — black like men like it.

REX OVERHOLT
This city never fucking sleeps.

We do this really cool focus thing with the camera where his POV suddenly shows his reflection in the window.  He looks at himself.

REX OVERHOLT
And neither do I.

Just then, his phone rings.  He answers it.

REX OVERHOLT
This is Overholt.

MALE VOICE (OS)
This is Candace.  Meet me at the Acropolis.

The line goes dead.  Overholt isn’t too happy about meeting this “Candace” at the “Acropolis.”  He mulls it over in his mind with his mind.

Just then, BOOM!  His assistant, JODY, a dude, rushes in like some shit is on fire or something!

JODY
Whoa!  The Acropolis!  Should I book you a trip to Greece?

REX OVERHOLT
It’s a code word, Jody.  And why are you still here?

JODY
So I can put down more overtime without feeling guilty.

REX OVERHOLT
Jody… don’t make me fire you.

JODY
Okay.  Talk to you later!

Jody exits and so does Rex.

INT. ELEVATOR – MOMENTS LATER

Jody and Rex ride together uncomfortably on the elevator.  Rex clearly should’ve delayed his exit.  This is stupid.

And takes way too long.

It’s still not over.

Okay.

Now it is.

They get off the elevator.

EXT. ALLEY – LATER

Some dude stands in the alley as Overholt rounds the corner.  The dude seems excited.

REX OVERHOLT
Candace?

Yep.

CANDACE
Yes!  I thought you wouldn’t come.  Well, I thought you would, but there was a small part of me that thought you wouldn’t.  Pretty interesting stuff.

REX OVERHOLT
Right.  What’s this ground-breaking, earth-shattering information you have for me?

CANDACE
It’s about the tobacco industry!

REX OVERHOLT
Hey, Candace.  Calm the fuck down.  This shit is supposed to be on the DL and your mouth is a motherfucking megaphone.

CANDACE
My bad.

REX OVERHOLT
Yes, it is your bad.  Don’t do that shit again.  Ever again.

Candace talks quieter the rest of the scene.  If he didn’t, Rex would’ve smoked his ass or just walked away, not wanting to deal with this moron.  Loud moron.

CANDACE
I have information that cigarettes can kill you.

Candace pauses for effect and to let this sink in for Overholt.

REX OVERHOLT
No shit.  Where have you been for the last decade?

CANDACE
But this is different.  This is new information that’s come to light just like new information came to light in that one movie with that one dude.

REX OVERHOLT
I’d love to stay here and chit-chat, but the truth is I wouldn’t love to stay here and chit-chat.

CANDACE
So you don’t want to buy the information from me?

REX OVERHOLT
Yes.  I do want to buy the information from you… with BULLETS!

Rex pulls out a gun and shoots Candace to death!  Fuck!  Whoa!  Wow!

Candace dies and doesn’t get to say anything because Rex shot him so fast.

Rex (Overholt) grabs the folder out of Candace’s hand (it’s been there the whole time, I just didn’t tell you about it) and takes off into the New York night.

INT. REX OVERHOLT’S BATHROOM – LATER

Rex walks into his bathroom way tired from this day.

REX OVERHOLT
Well, that was some fucking bullshit.  Lucky this info didn’t fall into the wrong hands.

He flushed the file folder down the toilet — a decision he will later regret when his toilet gets all clogged up and he has to call a plumber.

He starts to draw a bath and puts bubbles in that shit because he likes to relax.

He then takes off his clothes — don’t go crazy, he’s just built like a normal dude.

But then something crazy happens…

HE GRABS A ZIPPER ON HIS BACK AND UNZIPS HIS SKIN!

WHAT?!

YES.

HE TAKES OFF HIS SKIN TO REVEAL A GIANT 6-FOOT TALL CIGARETTE WITH SPINDLY LITTLE ARMS AND LEGS!

WTF!

WHOA!

The giant cigarette version of Rex Overholt gets into the bathtub and sinks into the bubbles.

He then takes a Zippo and lights the top of his head.  The cherry on the top of his head glows red for a beat, then he blows smoke out of his CGI mouth.

REX OVERHOLT
Fucking people.

THE END.

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LOL, For Real

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 11, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. JUNGLE – NIGHT

It’s so wet and plant-y out here in this jungle!  My skin would be terrible if I lived here!  There are so many undiscovered species also!

FWOOSH!

THUMP!

A dude just jumped out of one of those new helicopters that have the silent blades.  Those seriously exist now.  The sound of him landing on the damp ground and a rare indigenous frog is the only sound in the dark of the jungle night.

The dude is CASPER, 34, a super badass CIA ghost operative.  That’s why he’s named Casper.  It’s kind of clever and kind of cute.  People sometimes underestimate him.  Those people generally end up raped or dead.  Or both, but that was just one time and it’s exactly why Casper doesn’t drink anymore.

Whatever.  The point is, he’s on a mission.  And if you think anyone involved thinks Casper is going to fail, you are dead wrong.  You’re like “voting for Al Gore” wrong.  (Which is a weird example, but you’ll see what I’m talking about later.)

Casper checks all his weapons: uzi, knife, grenades, sniper rifle.

CASPER
(to himself)
Check, check, check, check, check.

His earpiece SQUAWKS.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
What?

CASPER
Nothing.  I was just checking to make sure I have all my weapons.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Do you?

CASPER
No, I left my butter knife.

The dude on the earpiece laughs.

CASPER
It’s not funny.  Sometimes I use that shit as a screwdriver.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Oh.  My bad.

Awkward beat.  (We might want to cut this awkward beat in editing, but I want to shoot it to see if it builds tension.  I bet it will, but I’m not 100%.  Thanks.)

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
So, are you gonna go assassinate Salazar?

CASPER
Obvi.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
What?

CASPER
Obvi, as in obviously.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Oh.
(then getting it)
OHHHHHH.  Totally never made that connection.

CASPER
Anderson, just leave me alone.  I’ll let you know when I assassinate Salazar.

Apparently the dude on the earpiece is named “Anderson.”  It’s still unclear if it’s his first or last name.  And honestly, it doesn’t even matter.  I just thought I’d bring it up.  You can decide for yourself.  Seriously.  It doesn’t even matter.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Okay.

CASPER
Thanks.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
No problem.

Casper starts to head off into the jungle, but then stops.

CASPER
Anderson?

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Yeah?

CASPER
You’re a solid dude.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Thanks, man.  I wish my girlfriend felt the same way.  Sometimes I think we just don’t connect.  It’s like–

CASPER
Anderson, I seriously don’t have time for this shit.  Let’s do this later.

DUDE ON EARPIECE (OS)
Okay.

CASPER
Fuck.

Casper walks off.  We crane up super-high and see some huts and shit in the distance.  It’s going to be a long walk for Casper, but he’ll probably listen to his iPod, so don’t be worried about him getting bored.

CUT TO:

EXT. HUT AREA – LATER

Casper sneaks up behind this hut and pulls out his sniper rifle.  He surveys the scene:

It’s like a circle of huts with a fire in the middle.  Dudes are everywhere in paramilitary uniforms and holding AK-47s.  They look relaxed, but get super-serious when this other dude walks out of a hut.  He’s dressed similar, but has a Lakers jersey on over his fatigues for some reason.  It’s #24, but as he turns, we see it doesn’t say “Bryant” (as in Kobe Bryant) on the back.  Instead it says SALAZAR!

HOLY SHIT!  THAT’S THE DUDE CASPER WANTS TO ASSASSINATE!

I KEEP FORGETTING THERE’S 4 S’S IN ASSASSINATE AND HAVE TO GO BACK AND FIX IT EVERY TIME!

Casper remains cool.  A lot cooler than you or I ever would.  He’s only like 10 feet away from Salazar now.  CLOSER THAN ANY AGENT HAS EVER BEEN!

Using a sniper rifle from 10 feet away seems slightly retarded, but clearly you’ve never played a video game.  There’s something awesome about sniping someone from super-close.  And that something is, of course, sniping someone from super-close.

Anyway, just as Casper’s about to pull the trigger and end the drug-trafficking monster slave-trader Salazar’s life, he hears his cell phone vibrate.  He checks the text message.

We don’t see it.

Casper can’t help himself and Laughs Out Loud (LOL) at whatever the text message said.  He starts to text back “LOL,” still laughing to himself and apparently forgetting the situation which he is confronted.

Wrong move.

Big time.

Salazar’s men shoot the shit out of Casper.  Now he’s a real ghost.  Sorry, that was tasteless.  A dude just died.  Show some respect.

But seriously, what did that text message say?  And who actually laughs out loud?

And that’s why the CIA doesn’t allow text messaging anymore.

THE END.

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The Painting Gorilla

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. ZOO – DAY

There’s a lot of commotion and clamoring outside the gorilla exhibit at the zoo.  People are buzzing about something this REPORTER is going to tell us about:

REPORTER
Thanks, Sally.  People are buzzing about the ground-breaking news I’m about to share with you.  A gorilla, at the zoo, is a painter.  Yes, that’s right, a fucking gorilla.  I shit you not.

The Reporter probably doesn’t really talk like this, but I thought it’d be funny.  Anyway.

REPORTER
And this isn’t like an elephant painting or a horse or a chimpanzee.  This gorilla is actually good.  I’m talking Grandma Moses good.  Or Monet good.  But not Manet, that dude was a hack.

Great art history joke.

REPORTER
Anyway, let’s take a look at this dude do his thing…

We angle on the gorilla enclosure.  One gorilla paints.  He’s happy as fuck.  The other gorilla is sad.  Mainly because he can’t paint, but also because he has to take a dump and all these people are here.  He’s too nervous to go.  So he waits.

The painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head.  Pay attention to that last part: the painting gorilla has a GREY SPLOTCH on his head.  That shit’s gonna come into play later.

The painting gorilla just paints and then reveals his masterpiece.  (Note: we should get a person to do the actual painting because I just made up this painting gorilla shit and actually finding one will probably be impossible.  But I guess casting should give it a shot.  It would be cool if it was a real painting gorilla.)

Anyway, the painting is awesome.  Better than anything you could do, trust me.

CUT TO:

EXT. FAKE FORESTY AREA AT ZOO – LATER

Suddenly we cut to an interview set-up thing with the reporter, the painting gorilla and the TRAINER (A super hot chick.  Think of a super hot chick.  Any hot chick.  That’s who this is.)

REPORTER
So this is some pretty impressive shit.

TRAINER
Yes, it is.  Popono loves painting.

Apparently the painting gorilla is named POPONO.

REPORTER
We hear he does American Sign Language.

TRAINER
Yes, he does.  You can totally ask him anything you want.

REPORTER
Popono, we hear your paintings are selling for a lot of money and people with a lot of money are buying your paintings.  What are you going to do with the money?

POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
Well, I don’t have any real dreams but to just paint.  My cage-mate Fofofo wants to buy a boat and sail around the world, but he’s talentless.  So I will steal his dream.

REPORTER
That’s a great story, Popono.

What?  That’s a terrible story.  Whatever.

Music swells because we’re doing a montage.

REPORTER (VO)
And paint Popono did…

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Justin Timberlake gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Glenn Close gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!!!

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Lil Wayne gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Obama gives Popono cash for the painting.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–A bank robber gives Popono cash for the painting.  Everyone laughs and the cops arrest him.

–Popono paints an awesome painting.

–Tom Cruise gives Popono cash for the painting again!  He can’t get enough Popono paintings!

EXT. ZOO – DAY

The media is there and they are having a field day or whatever they have when they are excited about something.  It’s so serious that journalists are coming back from the dead to cover this.  Not really.  That’s not right for this movie tonally.

REPORTER
Popono has raised enough money to buy not only his freedom, but also a yacht to sail around the world.

Popono smiles, then hands a giant check to the zookeeper.  No one really understands this part.

POPONO
(subtitled from his American Sign Language)
I’m totally ready to live out my cage-mate’s dream of sailing around the world!

Fuck.  No way did he just dis his cage-mate like that.  Well, he did.

Fofofo just fumes like, “You gotta be kidding me with this shit.”

But no one is joking about any of this.  Especially Tom Cruise, who is going nuts about the paintings still!  He has pictures of them in his wallet like they’re his kids!  Maybe the weirdest thing he’s ever done.

CUT TO:

EXT. OCEAN – DAY

People wave as Popono sails away on his yacht.

REPORTER
And thus ends an empowering tale of a gorilla that’s probably more talented than anyone alive right now.

CUT TO:

EXT. ZOO – DAY

We’re at the gorilla enclosure and Fofofo looks downtrodden.  The Trainer tries to console him, but she’s for shit at comforting gorillas.

TRAINER
It’s okay, Fofofo.  You just weren’t born with any talent.  Kinda like me.  You know my sister plays in the WNBA?  Yep.  She got all the talent.  And all the women.

There’s a long beat where Fofofo just wants her to leave.  Their situations aren’t alike at all.

TRAINER
Welp, I’m out of here.  Peace.

She gets up and leaves.  Fofofo is like, “About time.”

He them looks over in a mirror and notices a lighter splotch on the top of his head.

He quickly pulls out a marker and colors it black.

You know why?

Because it’s ACTUALLY POPONO!

THE GORILLAS TRICKED EVERYONE AND POPONO, WHO JUST WANTED TO STOP PAINTING PRETENDED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET, BUT IT WAS REALLY FOFOFO, WHO JUST WANTED TO SAIL OFF INTO THE SUNSET!

THEY’RE BOTH LIVING THEIR DREAMS!

NOBODY SAW THAT COMING!

That took a lot longer to write than I thought it would.

THE END.

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Really Smart Cadillac

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. REALLY SMART CADILLAC – NIGHT

Two detectives, COCHRANE and SMOLTZ, both 39 and dudes ride along in a really sweet black Cadillac.  This Cadillac is like not other because it’s a REALLY SMART CADILLAC.  It has like a 160 IQ or something and if you tried to play it in chess it would beat you even though it thinks chess is for puss-bags.

The main problem for the Really Smart Cadillac is it can’t talk.  It’s NOT KITT.  Seriously.  Don’t assume all smart cars can talk like KITT can.  This one can’t.  I’m just getting really pissed at everyone thinking this car can talk.  It can’t.  Just to reiterate, it can’t.

But it can think.  And the audience can hear it think and be frustrated with it (EMPATHY).

Just watch:

COCHRANE
Man.  I totally think it was the wife who murdered the husband.  It just makes so much sense.

SMOLTZ
Nah.  That’s too easy.  It’s the estranged son’s biker girlfriend.

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
What?!  She’s not a biker.  She’s rides a Vespa!  A Vespa with a bundle of daisies and like a teddy bear thing airbrushed on it.  What the fuck?!

Remember, the detectives can’t hear the car talk.  Just the audience.

COCHRANE
Yeah, I can see what you’re saying.  She’s in a biker gang and that makes it make lot of sense.  Probably more sense than my wife theory makes at this point.

The engine revs like crazy and the radio stations change really fast!  That’s the only way the car can really communicate because IT CAN’T TALK.  I’m getting sick telling you over and over, but it’s like you just don’t get it.  (But remember, we can hear the car’s thoughts.)

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
SHE RIDES A SCOOTER AND GOES TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE!  She’s not in a biker gang.  Sheesh.

SMOLTZ
I think we work well together.  Me and you.

COCHRANE
Yeah.

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
No, you don’t!  You really don’t!  It was the MISTRESS!  How can you be so STUPID?!

COCHRANE
I just feel really bad for the mistress.

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
What?!

The car revs like crazy!

SMOLTZ
Yeah, she seems like a solid chick.

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me with this shit!

COCHRANE
The most solid things about that chick are her fake boobs.

SMOLTZ
Damn!

The car isn’t mad for once.  Because he agrees.

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
He’s right.  Her fake boobs are solid.

COCHRANE
But she definitely didn’t do it and it was the biker chick.

SMOLTZ
Yep.  That’s what I have: not mistress, def biker chick.

Smoltz shows Cochrane his little note pad where he has that shit written down like an asshole.

REALLY SMART CADILLAC (VO)
What?!  I hate you dudes so much!

WHAM!

The Really Smart Cadillac couldn’t take it anymore and slammed into a light pole!

WHAT?!

Yes.  That’s exactly what just happened.

The car basically killed itself because its owners were being retarded to the max.

The two detectives were fine because of seat belts and air bags and crumple zones.  But whatever because they totally tried to convict the biker chick and failed.  Meanwhile the mistress ran off to Bolivia.  She was never heard from again.  One could speculate that she killed more dudes.

THE END.

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The Commission

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN – DAY (SUNNY AND AMAZING)

This takes place in an alternate history where America has a King and the Soviet Union is still together and really good at the Olympics.  Cool.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN (53) stands on the White House lawn.  He’s dressed like a king with sweet furs like ermine.  (That’s the white fur with black dots you always see kings wearing.  Apparently rare and expensive.)  Also the White House is more castle-like than it is right now, which is not at all castle-like.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
This painting has to be awesome.  So awesome that the dirty Soviet scum will bow before us once they see its image.

Someone is about to talk, but he goes on because he’s the king of this shit and he stops for no one.  Consequently (or subsequently) he’s been in like a million car accidents and has back trouble.  But whatever, he’s the king.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
So awesome that the dirty Soviet scum will kneel before us once they see its image.

Someone tries to talk again, but he can’t be stopped.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
So awesome that the dirty Soviet scum will…

Everyone waits.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
I don’t know.  What do you think?

We reveal among the King’s audience is a young artist named ASLIGALNWLN.

Whoa!

Just fucking with you.  His name is ALAN.  He went to art school and everything.

ALAN
Milord, I can totally do something that awesome.

ALAN
One time I airbrushed Hulk Hogan clubbing Saddam Hussein to death with a tiger shark on the hood of a Corvette.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
Hmm…

ALAN
Let me clarify: when I say “tiger shark” I don’t mean like a regular tiger shark.  I actually mean a half-tiger, half-shark.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
Oh.  A tigark.

ALAN
Well, actually we called it a shiger.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
That sounds a little racist.

ALAN
Okay.  Tigark it is.

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
I would like you to paint an equally awesome painting on the new memorial I commissioned which is basically a 500 foot by 500 foot blank wall made specifically for you to paint such an awesome painting and make the Soviets shit their pants in fear.

ALAN
Got it.

Alan starts to walk away, then:

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
And try to come up with something much more awesome than a shiger.

ALAN
You mean tigark?

KING JAMESON LINCOLN
Don’t be an asshole.

Alan just shuts his fucking mouth and walks away.  Man, so much pressure!

MONTAGE

–Alan thinks at a Starbucks.

–Alan sketches in a meadow with the giant blank 500 by 500 foot wall in the background.  So daunting!

–Alan shows a painted model of the wall to his girlfriend (we can’t see it).  She breaks up with him and storms out.

–Alan cries and like touches the wall.  He’s a man without anything but an almost unattainable goal.

–Alan takes a really long pee.  (Boring, but realistic.)

–Alan sketches at Starbucks and realizes he’s nailed it!  It’s perfect.  He stands up and punches the old man sitting next to him.  The old man gets all mad, then Alan shoves the sketch in his face.  The old man gets it, then punches an emo kid in the throat.  Everyone is punching everyone as Alan skips out with his masterpiece awesome sketch.

–Soviet supersonic jet fighters fly over Washington DC and drop nukes.  The whole place is leveled.  Even the White House castle and giant blank memorial wall.

FADE TO BLACK.

TITLE CARD: “America loses the war, but almost more importantly, America lost a great artist.”

TITLE CARD: “Alan Swipdisky 1977-2010.”

We fade in on his final, awesome sketch:

The King stands with his arms held high in victory.  Except instead of regular arms, his left arm is a cobra!  And his right arm is a machine gun firing a million bullets a second!  And rockets!  His left leg is a bear and his right leg is a lion!  His torso is a Hummer!  His face is just his regular face!  All the armies of the world that aren’t American lie dead under his feet, which aren’t regular — THEY’RE BATTLESHIPS!  He killed everyone!  He’s so awesome!  The background is made of fire, lightning and naked women of all races.

But none of it was accurate and the Soviets won.

THE END.

THE SAD, SAD END.

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Chicks Drinking Red Wine II

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on February 23, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. BILLIE’S HOUSE – ANOTHER DAY

So I guess some of you haven’t read the first CHICKS DRINKING RED WINE.  I suggest you do so you won’t be lost in part II, but in case you’re an asshole and don’t want to/don’t have time because you’re the president of something/hate originals, but love sequels I’ll just go ahead and write it so you’ll get it no matter what.  (This takes skill and precision as a writer.)

Billie’s house is shabby chic, which basically means she bought new furniture that looks old and worn down but it’s really just painted to look like that.  If you’re a dude, just think exactly how you wouldn’t want your house to look and that’s what Billie’s place looks like.  Whatever.

The four ladies are sitting around drinking wine again, but this time they’re drinking white because they’re changing it up.  Also, Billie is hosting and she’s boycotting everything red because her Native American boyfriend just dumped her.  Also, she’s racist.

These are descriptions of the four ladies: CARLA, 44, kinda boring, but nice legs.  BILLIE, 44, big boobs, small frame (very rare).  MINDY, 44, big boobs but heavy.  And finally BRENDA, 45, big boobs, but strong-looking.

It’s also important that you know that we just found out that Brenda is actually BRENDAN, a dude!  He’s totally infiltrated this group of chicks in order to learn their secrets and bang them one by one.  (This is why you should’ve read the first one.)

But whatever, on with the show…

BILLIE
Man, Mindy, I can’t believe you got into an accident after drinking all that wine last time we were at the country club.

MINDY
Four bottles of red makes a body dead!

All the ladies laugh except for Billie.

BILLIE
That’s a weird joke because you did kill someone.  You ran over an old lady.

MINDY
She was crossing the street using a walker when she should’ve been using a RUNNER!

Mindy laughs.  No one else does.  Then she cries.  Hard.  She hasn’t given herself the time to mourn and reflect on her mistake since it happened last Tuesday.  Today is Thursday.

BILLIE
There, there.  Let it all out.

CARLA
Well, all this crying and emotion makes me have to tinkle.

Carla excuses herself to the bathroom.  (This is an interesting difference between chicks and dudes.  A dude would just leave.  A chick has to like make it a giant production so she doesn’t offend the other chicks.)

BRENDA
Mindy, I totally get what you’re going through.  But the way you should look at it is you didn’t die and so it’s kinda like God loved you and maybe, possibly didn’t love that old lady.

BILLIE
Or maybe it was that old lady’s time to go.

MINDY
Do you think she’s in heaven?

BRENDA
How the fuck would I know?
(then)
I mean, JK, JK, of course she is!

Everything is uncomfortable, then Mindy breaks the silence by drinking and entire bottle of Chardonnay.  (I would like to cast a woman who can actually do this.  Shouldn’t be hard!  LOL!  JK, JK.)

BRENDA
Well, I’m gonna go wait outside the bathroom because I have to go really bad.  My bladder ain’t what it used to be after having two kids and miscarrying two more.
(then)
Thought you should know that.

Brenda leaves.

BILLIE
We totally didn’t need to know that.

MINDY
Nope.

Mindy cries more and Billie comforts her more.

CUT TO:

INT. BILLIE’S HOUSE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Brenda is waiting outside the closed bathroom door.  (You have to remember Brenda is actually Brendan and he’s trying to nail the ladies one by one.  It’s going to be important here.)  Suddenly, but totally expectedly, Carla opens the bathroom door.

Carla and Brenda look deeply into each other’s eyes.

CARLA
Well?  These clothes aren’t gonna take themselves off…

CUT TO:

INT. BILLIE’S BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

Whoa!

Brenda pushes Carla into the bathroom!  They can barely get the door shut before they are making out so hard!  Like so hard that Carla grabs a towel on the towel rack and rips that shit right off the wall!

BRENDA
I want you so bad.

CARLA
Samesies!

Quickly, too quickly for some, their hands caress each other’s bodies and slowly, sensually make their way down to each other’s crotches.  Abruptly:

CARLA
You have a penis!

BRENDA
YOU have a penis!

WTF?!

Brenda studies Carla for a moment.

BRENDA
Carl?!

Carla studies Brenda for a moment.

CARLA
Brendan?!

SON OF A BITCH!

Did not see that coming.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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What a Croc!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. DOCK – DAY

We’re shooting this shit at a lake.  Well, the dock part of the lake where they put boats in the water and people on the boats already in the water.  It’s beautiful.

But there are clouds on the horizon which pretty much means some shit is gonna go down in a major way.  They’re moving fast, but not like fakey fast like trying to show passage of time or anything.

There’s this guy who seems like a normal dude, but he’s really smart and kind of looks a lot like me (good-looking).  He’s CHET CURTIS and he takes shit from no one.  If you don’t give him shit, he’s a solid dude.  But if you give him shit, well, you probably can figure it out.  But if you can’t, just know that he’ll give you two pounds of shit for every pound of shit you give him.  Figuratively.  And sometimes literally.  Ask his neighbor.

Anyway, he’s there and he’s getting his boat ready to go out fishing for like marlins and other fish that look like weapons.

Then this old dude, OLD DUDE, 76, walks up to him and starts giving him shit.

OLD DUDE
You aren’t seriously going out there, are you?

CHET CURTIS
Why the fuck are asking me that?

OLD DUDE
Look how ominous those clouds are.  I wouldn’t go out there.

CHET CURTIS
Well–

Before he can get all mad, this gigantic crocodile (more than 100 feet long, but less than 120 feet) launches out of the water and bites the OLD DUDE IN HALF!

WHAT THE FUCK!

OMINOUS CLOUDS INDEED!

The old dude’s legs are still on the deck, standing there like “what’s the deal here?”

Chet Curtis just looks on and says:

CHET CURTIS
Ominous clouds indeed.  Looks like I’m NOT going out.

He pulls out his iPhone and tweets: “Old dude totally eaten in half by 100 ft. croc.  Not going out.  LOL.”

THE END.

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The Stabbing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2010 by huntercovington

EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT

It’s so dark out here!

It’s a full moon also and there are a ton of stars in the sky.  Like as many as in those night sky shots they do on Survivor.  It almost looks fake (and it probably will be unless we pay those Survivor cameramen).

There’s like a tent and a pretty decent fire and stuff.  It’s camping.  If you’ve never gone camping, you’re not going to get it at all.  Don’t even try to Google camping images because it won’t make any sense to you.

Whatever.  There are two couples.  Just for simplicity, all four of them are 19.  (Two couples = four people.)  The first couples’ names are CLARK and CINDY and then the other couples’ names are TODD and TIFFANY.  It is not lost on them that each person’s name in a particular couple starts with the same letter as the person they’re with.  But this doesn’t really have anything to do with the story.  Or does it?  It doesn’t.

So here we go:

CINDY
I really like drinking wine by a campfire.

TIFFANY
Me too.

CINDY
I wish we had some fancy cheese!

The girls giggle.  The dudes are like, “This is some bullshit.”

CLARK
(quietly to Todd)
Man, I thought camping equaled boning.

TODD
That’s what I thought!

CLARK
Well, apparently it doesn’t.

TODD
I know!

CLARK
Dude, calm down.

TODD
You’re right.

CLARK
We should totally smoke a joint.

TODD
The chicks aren’t gonna like that.

CLARK
Watch this.
(to ladies)
Ladies.

He totally gets their attention using his man-voice.

CINDY
Yes, dahling.

TIFFANY
Ha!  I love when you put h’s in the place of r’s!  It’s like a great character-y thing you do.

CINDY
I know.

CLARK
If you ladies are done, and even if you aren’t, I just wanted you to know that me and the Toddster–

Todd shakes his head.  He fucking hates being called the Toddster.  He’s always hated it.

CLARK
Sorry, Todd.  Me and Todd are going to get some more firewood.  Peace.

TODD
Peace.

The two dudes bail.  The girls really don’t care and ad-lib some more bullshit about wine and cheese.  Very uninteresting stuff.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS – MOMENTS LATER

Clark and Todd walk.  It’s dark and woodsy.  Both dudes carry some wood and also hatchets and/or axes (whatever makes more sense for props).

TODD
Seriously, that was awesome.

CLARK
Thanks.

TODD
Except for the Toddster thing.

CLARK
Yeah, that was my bad.

TODD
It’s all good.  The important thing is we smoked that joint and we’ve both got wood!

Man, that was hilarious!  Clark and Todd crack up, but it’s all raspy from the pot-smoking.

CLARK
Great joke.

TODD
Thanks.  It wasn’t really a joke, though.  It was more just an observation.

CLARK
Whatever the fuck it was, it was funny.

TODD
Thanks.  Sincerely.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE – CONTINUOUS

The girls are giggling, but heard some weird noises so they stopped.

TIFFANY
Holy crap!  What’s that noises?

CINDY
You mean “what are those noises?”

TIFFANY
What?  Don’t be an asshole.  I’m scared.  Here.  Take this.

Tiffany hands Cindy a really sweet knife that would give Rambo a knife-boner (hard to do).  (Incidentally, the knife is so sweet that it would make Crocodile Dundee reassess what exactly he calls a knife and not a knife.)

TIFFANY
My dad gave me 2 of these in case I ever went camping and I got scared because of noises.

CINDY
Didn’t your dad die before you were born?

TIFFANY
Yes.  He was big on planning though.

CINDY
I’ll say.

They sit quietly for a beat.

TIFFANY
Well, I for one don’t want to sit here and wait for someone to come kill us while our boyfriends are out either dicking around or dicking each other.

CINDY
Okay.

TIFFANY
Let’s find out what the shit is going down out in them there woods.
(off Cindy’s look)
Sometimes when I’m nervous I talk like an old person.

CUT TO:

EXT. WOODS – MOMENTS LATER

Tiffany and Cindy walk in the darkness, their super sweet knives gleaming in the moon and starlight.

They see two figures coming toward them.

Without even saying anything, Tiffany screams and charges with her knife held high.

TIFFANY
Aaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhh!

One of the figures totally dodges her and kicks her hard in the back as she passes him.  She totally eats shit into the ground and wet leaves totally get in her mouth and dirt in her braces.

FIGURE
What the hell?  It’s me, Todd.

We now see it is Todd.

TIFFANY
Oh.  My bad.

They look over and see that Cindy has already STABBED CLARK TO DEATH!

TODD
What the hell?!

CINDY
Whoops.

Clark wants to say, “Whoops?!  That’s all you got is whoops?!”  But he’s already dead.

Tiffany and Todd stare at her like, “Seriously?!  Did you seriously just kill your boyfriend?!”

Cindy looks back at them like, “Yeah.  Yeah, that’s exactly what I did.”

Then Cindy makes an emotional turn, trying to lighten the mood and stark reality of the situation:

CINDY
Heeeeeeey.  Let’s never talk about this again.

TIFFANY
Agreed.

TODD
Totally.

And they never talked about it again.

THE END.

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Jesus Eats at Denny’s

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. DENNY’S – MORNING

If you’ve never eaten at Denny’s, you’re either a terrorist or an asshole (more than likely you’re both).

Anyway, these two dudes are nursing coffees because they were raging all night.  Their names are CHAD and TEDWARD.  Just kidding.  No one is named Tedward.  His name is EDWARD.  So Chad and Edward, right?  Yep.  They’re like 20 and in college and raging all night is basically what they do.

They have food in front of them, but they’re totally not in the mood and pretty much just wasted like $5.99 each on that shit.  (I’m not going to get into specifics of what they ordered, but I know people are gonna speculate that it’s MOONS OVER MY HAMMY or whatever it’s called.  Neither one of them ordered that shit.  Seriously.)

CHAD
Man, we raged so hard last night.

EDWARD
I know.  And one night after we said we were never going to stay out raging all night.

CHAD
I know.  Jagermeister doesn’t taste good, but I like the way it makes me drunk.

EDWARD
I know.  Man.

CHAD
Right?

EDWARD
Right.

Anyone overhearing this conversation basically wants to blow their fucking brains out.  Seriously.

Whatever.  Just then they look over to the next table and this guy who looks EXACTLY like JESUS is eating.  (No, not Moon Over My Hammy.)  We’ll call him JESUS even though at this point we don’t know if he’s really Jesus or not.

Chad punches Edward in the arm really hard.

EDWARD
Dude, I know.  I see him.

CHAD
You think it’s really him?

EDWARD
Only one way to find out.

Edward kind of half-waves to Jesus (again, we don’t really know if it is or isn’t Jesus at this point).

EDWARD
Hey, man.  Can I ask you a question?

Before Jesus can even answer.  (Possibly really Jesus, possibly not.)

EDWARD
Are you Jesus?

JESUS
You know what?  I’m just a simple carpenter trying to eat my breakfast and I have to deal with your questions.  If you would’ve let me answer your first question–

EDWARD
The question where I asked if I could ask you a question?

JESUS
Yes, that one.  I would’ve said no.  I’m sorry I had to teach you a lesson about letting someone answer a question before asking them another one, but you needed to be taught.  Good day.

Jesus stands up to leave.  He tosses some coins on the table to pay the bill and storms out.  (I can’t emphasize enough that we don’t know if it’s really Jesus or not.)

CHAD
Way to go, Edward.

EDWARD
Shut up.

Just then they look at the coins on the table and they realize they’re really old coins from the SAME TIME AS WHEN JESUS WAS ALIVE!!!

Holy crap!  It really was Jesus!

CHAD
Holy crap!  It really was Jesus!

EDWARD
Holy crap!  It really was Jesus!

(It really was Jesus.)

THE END.

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The Best Western

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 14, 2010 by huntercovington

INT. BARN – DAY

Two totally badass cowboy outlaws, THE CAROLINA KID and BAD JIM, clean and load their six-shooters.

THE CAROLINA KID
You know, that whiskey you brought in from the Tennessee Territory was not very good.

BAD JIM
Really?

THE CAROLINA KID
Yeah.  It sucked.

BAD JIM
Well, they actually pay me to drink it, so I don’t really care what it taste like.  Or, rather, it tastes like money to me.

The Carolina Kid laughs a laugh that’s part laugh/part jealousy.  It kind of trails off in a weird way.

BAD JIM
Did you hear that people are saying neither you nor I are the quickest guns in the West?

THE CAROLINA KID
What?  No, I didn’t hear that shit at all.

BAD JIM
Yeah.  People are saying it’s Rex the Tex Mex.

THE CAROLINA KID
Psh.  I heard that dude’s not even half-Mexican or Texican.

BAD JIM
I think it’s Texan, actually.  And I heard that same shit.

THE CAROLINA KID
Whatever.  You ready?

BAD JIM
Yep.

CUT TO:

EXT. OLD WESTERN TOWN STREET – MOMENTS LATER

The Carolina Kid and Bad Jim are standing back-to-back as people line the streets.  This is kinda like a parade nowadays, but they’re going to shoot each other, so it’s really more like a drug deal gone bad.  At a parade.

BAD JIM
So, ten paces, then draw, right?

THE CAROLINA KID
Yep.  Are we counting the paces out loud?

BAD JIM
I don’t know.  I’m not really a fan of that shit.

THE CAROLINA KID
Me neither.

A kid standing near the saloon is excited/scared.  He has a toy gun made out of a stick.  He takes it everywhere.  These are his heroes.

BAD JIM
Okay, let’s do this.

They both start taking their ten paces, then turn, draw and fire!

We do these really cool close-ups of the two bullets flying at each other like they have to do in movies now.

For some crazy reason, the bullets slam into each other, head-on, and smash into pancakes!

They fall the the ground.

Whoa.  The kid near the saloon is going nuts on the inside, but keeping his composure on the outside.

THE CAROLINA KID
Huh.

BAD JIM
I guess we’re both the quickest draws in the West.

Just then, some dude draws two six-shooters really quickly and shoots both The Carolina Kid and Bad Jim right between the eyes.

They die and fall.

The dude speaks.

REX THE TEX MEX
Actually, I’d say you’re both tied for second.

The entire town is in awe of this.  Is this really the real Rex the Tex Mex?  (Yes.)

The kid is about to lose his shit.

KID
You can’t do that!  You cheated!

REX THE TEX MEX
Shut up, kid.

Rex the Tex Mex walks off into the sunset and the whole town tells the story for the rest of their lives.  And then their kids tell it.  And then their grandkids tell it.  And so on and so forth.

Except for that kid near the saloon.  Man, he hates Rex the Tex Mex.  He never does anything about it though because he was always busy being a ranch hand, which is basically a cowboy, but not an outlaw.  (Read: He did not achieve his dream.)

THE END.

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